Thursday, 30 April 2009

Thursday 30/04/09

Not much humour around at present.

Overheard in the caravan:

Hay: “Badger – is it ‘cos you is blind?
Chairman: “What?
Hay: “The fact your washing up is so spectacularly bad. Or are you hoping I’ll get fed up and do it myself?

A man in his 40s has died in an accident at a paper mill in Devon. Somehow he got trapped in a papermaking machine. Tony Burke, the Unite union's Assistant General Secretary, said: "Our condolences will be sent to our member's family and they will, of course, receive the full support of our union." I guess they may also receive a hand bound 1st edition copy of the victim too, handsomely priced at £25.99, or £20 for orders of over a hundred.

Self publicist and habitual prat, Russell Brand, is apparently to star in a remake of the 1991 film Drop Dead Fred. He’s also slated to star in a remake of the Dudley Moore film, Arthur. Film studios must be really strapped for creativity if they have to engage in so many remakes, let alone use Russell Brand as the vehicle. He’d be better employed starring in a remake of This Is Spinal Tap.

The journal of the American Medical Association reported in February that 98.5% of the H1N1 influenza virus circulating in the US is now resistant to the antiviral drug Tamiflu. Does that mean that Gordon Brown’s plan to increase the Tamiflu vaccine courses from 30m to 50m is a vapid PR exercise?

Brown is also ordering millions of face masks, despite Professor Sir Liam Donaldson – the government chief medial officer and an epidemiologist to boot – being on record as saying that they offer no protection at all. Yet more government PR?

The Egyptians have slaughtered 300,000 pigs as a precaution against the flu, despite you not being able to catch if from pigs (the virus crossed the species barrier some time ago, made its home in humans and you can only catch this mutated version from other humans). Egyptian government PR?

I’m not that sure what 300k pigs are doing in Egypt in the first place, although 10% of the population are Christian and probably need their bacon butties.

A schoolgirl in Devon has come down with a mild dose of H1N1 after having visited Mexico. What does her school do? They herd all the pupils together in an assembly and tell them to go home. Would it not have been more sensible to have a teacher go round the individual classes and let them go home in tranches, thus lessening the chance of mass infection?

It’s reported that Kermit the Frog is in hiding from his wife, Miss Piggy, as he’s frightened that swine flu will cross the species barrier to frogs.


  1. Full Metal Jacket would get my vote.

    Could these PR exercises be renamed Casting pearls of snot before swine?

    Miss Piggy is reported to have said : "Pig Flu? Moi?"

  2. You say not much humour around at present... which seems very suited to your dry wit.

    I love the panic reaction all over the world with epidemics. "We are due a pandemic! Let's make it look like we are DOING something!"

    Am I under-reacting to flu? I mean, it's FLU, isn't it? (Please, God, don't force me to regret that comment....)

  3. Kab: The pandemic of 1918 killed 2-5% of those infected. This one is said to be less virulent. Chances are it will only kill the immuno-suppressed poor and homeless.

  4. And if it doesn't get rid of them, maybe they'll organise a war.....

    Oops, cynic mode in overdrive.

  5. Gordon's ordered millions of face masks so that no one can tell:
    (a) Who's a Labour MP
    (b) Who's a banker
    (c) Who's Prime Minister

  6. Could they not develop a chav-fever strain?

  7. I love the piglit cartoon, and received something very similar at work - My husband has been humming the Mexican hat dance and coughing intermittently at work... I think his days are numbered...