Wednesday, 1 April 2009

Wednesday 01/04/09

Yesterday’s flurry of Creationist blogging resulted in some AdSense adverts for a thing called the Atheists Riddle, which purports to prove creationist thinking. However, as I said in one of my comments on readers’ comments, if it were that simple, then why has a scientific paper not been produced, peer reviewed and published and the theory promulgated as scientific fact? I’ll tell you why, because it’s bunkum and pseudoscience which shows a paucity of intellect on par with Paris Hilton.

The favourite argument of creationists is that you can’t create something from nothing, but that’s assuming that nothing is the default. Here’s a little experiment: try thinking of something – anything. Easy, isn’t it? Now try thinking of nothing, and by that I mean nothing at all – no thing. No space, no time. You can’t, it’s beyond your comprehension. Perhaps ‘something’ is the default and not ‘nothing’. Nature abhors a vacuum, as they say.

Did you know that a quarter of UK colleges who want to enroll overseas students have been denied a licence by the Home Office. Home Secretary Jacqui Smith said from her porn den that she would not tolerate fake applicants or "dodgy colleges that facilitate them". I’m just glad that the Old Sodbury Institute of Advanced Learning did not appear on her list, as otherwise my 3 week total-immersion PhD correspondence course in applied blogology would be worthless. It’s a relief to know that Dr. Dangerous Dave runs a reputable institute from the local greasy spoon café on Grunge Lane and it’s not some fly-by-night operation.

Hay made me go for a spirometer test yesterday to check whether my COPD had improved since I gave up the pipe and moved into vapeing. Strangely enough the nurse was not interested in the examples I brought along and instead made me blow into a small machine till my lungs practically collapsed. I had to do it three times and nearly passed out.

An example spirometer chart I took with me.

As it transpired, on the basis of my test results (which surprisingly didn’t involve coloured pens or a spirometer in any way, shape or form) the nurse said she would no longer even diagnose me as having COPD.

Seems the e-cigar is doing its job. The only negative side of vapeing is that since I started Hay has been complaining that when I go to the loo I ming like a polecat. However, I’m prepared to put up with the inconvenience, as I can’t smell it, which kind of puts paid to the ‘he who smelt it dealt it’ theory of Brownian motions.

I have a funny personal anecdote about going to the loo, but I’ll save it for another day. Suffice it to say I was a bit worried I might be incontinent, but I wasn’t.

There are reports that police have used CS spray and arrested a man after a fight in the Houses of Parliament during a Commons party hosted by Conservative chairman Eric Pickles on Monday night. One man was extremely aggressive. He was arrested and taken to a nearby police station for questioning. John Prescott vehemently denies he was anywhere near the area and was in Hull talking to poor people. Apparently he goes to Hull to do that when he’s feeling depressed and it doesn’t half cheer him up.

The US has just finished constructing the US National Ignition Facility, a huge physics experiment aimed at recreating conditions at the heart of the Sun designed to demonstrate the feasibility of safe, industrial scale nuclear fusion that can provide limitless power. It will also shed light (if you’ll forgive the pun) on the origins of the universe. Professor Mike Dunne, who leads a European venture that is also pursuing nuclear fusion with lasers said that if the NIF was successful it would be a "seismic event". Texan Creationists took heed of the cataclysmic warning and are hiding in earthquake shelters.

Gordon Brown has called for banks and financial markets to adopt "family values" as world leaders gather in London for Thursday's G20 summit. Which family would that be then? The Goodys/Tweedys? How about the Osbournes? The Windsors? Oh, can’t have the Windsors – they have to lock up two of their members every time a non-Anglo Saxon plenipotentiary calls for dinner for fear of them making offensive racist remarks or stomping up and down in Nazi costumes. Eureka! It’s just struck me that we can use Home Secretary Jacqui Smith’s family values as the basis for how banks should operate. She’s under investigation for expense irregularities and her husband runs a porn video service from their home.

What’s obvious is that heretofore the values seem to have been those of the Khan family – and before anyone accuses me of racism, that’s Genghiz Khan. Today’s stupid task is for you to suggest a family or two whose values should be adopted within the banks.

The owners of Southampton docks (ABP) are to make 60 dockers compulsorily redundant at their container port terminal. To be honest, with all the productivity increases containerization has brought, I was shocked to hear they had as many as 60 workers left; I thought that by now the whole place would have been run by robots. Apparently the redundancies comprise 10% of the workforce.

It seems that the current euphemism for being sacked is now being told that you ‘no longer need to turn up for work’. Very British! No wonder English is now the international language of diplomacy – you can tell someone to piss off in 20 different ways and they still think you’re being nice and thank you for it, only realising they’ve been shafted when they get home and find their P45 in the post

I left a comment on the BBC ‘Have Your Say’ page yesterday. I love reading some of the remarks – it’s the computer equivalent of the spoof radio phone-in show Down The Line. Readers were asked ‘What have British troops achieved in Iraq?’ I said, “Aqueducts?” Couldn’t resist it. Don’t know if it was published.


  1. I took Groucho to a mediation class with me once, where he promptly fell asleep and started snoring loudly, whilst sitting up. He told me it was because 'What kind of idiot can think of nothing?'
    So there you go.
    I'm not sure what the fuss is about Jaqui's husband. So he watched a little smut. Is that so bad? I bet they have a great sex life. It's so English to frown upon this sort of thing..
    10 pounds in expense claims - come on?

  2. I'm glad your e-cigar works for you.
    Talking about smoke: my father always says that if he is to be cremated, they should wait until the wind blows in the right direction. He wants to be home in time for dinner.

  3. Belle - why should I pay for Jacqui's old man porn habit - that's what the fuss is about - and I suppose that he thought that we were so foolish that he could just slip it through on expenses - cos no-one would notice - but more importantly because Jacqui Smith has been passing laws about pornography - that now looks like a way of controlling her husband rather than anything else.

    Richard x x x

  4. Don’t care about the porn, it’s those bloody cartoons for her kiddies that really get my goat.
    If I fiddle my expenses, my boss fires me. Why don’t ministers’ bosses do the same ? Who are the ministers’ bosses ? Oh yes, us, the great British public.
    Bill, are you turning into AA Milne. He’s the only poo storyteller I know.
    How can going to Hull make anyone feel better ? When they leave, I suppose.
    The NIF opening speech : “we have ignition” ?
    My nominations for “Family Values” are
    Numbers 1 & 2 : Nicolas and Jean Sarkozy
    The father – married the daughter of the mayor of his town. Became mayor of the town. Divorced wife. Started an affair with Cécilia immediately after her marriage, which he performed (the mayors do the marrying here). She left him. Just before his election as President,, she came back. Just after the election, they announced their divorce. Two months later, he married a woman 6 foot taller than him.
    The son – Was on an electoral list for the town council (same town where daddy was mayor) and strongly supported the lead candidate. Then dumped the lead candidate in order to head up a new list in the name of “party unity”. Has his scooter stolen while daddy was minister for the interior. Daddy used a huge police force and conducted DNA tests in order to charge the culprits. If my scooter gets stolen and I file a report with the police, they file it in the bin ! There's another story with a scooter where he allegedly hit a car with his scooter, gave the driver a rude gesture and then left the scene of the crime. When it (finally) came to court, he said he wasn't there. As Mandy Rice-Davies once said : well he would, wouldn't he.
    Numbers 3 & 4 : Josef and Rosemarie Fritzl

  5. Aquaduct? Is that like a bridge over troubled waters, only different?

  6. TIF - I hardly think his 10 pounds is going to affect the way you fiddle your taxes. Personally - I can't bear Jacqui- she's so vapid - but her husband seems quite nice.
    Don't sweat the small stuff Fairy. There are far bigger and dirtier fish to fry. Remind me who broke the story- was it the Daily Telegraph?
    Mindless Media for the Masses.

  7. Sorry - that was supposed to read Mindless Media Manipulation for the Masses.

  8. Hi all - just checking in. Currently suffering from terminal ennui at a sales meeting at head office, but would rather be replying to your comments.

  9. Have no problem with what Jacqu's hubby did, but have issues over us paying for them to watch any kinds of films - How does that get passed as 'official business'? Still, it'd be even worse under the Tories, see £5 Cemetery Sale/Development Debacle, or had the media conveniently forgotten about that? He could have purchased two cemetaries for the price of his flicks...

    As for Banking Morale Families:

    1. The Von Trapps - 'Climb every mountain...lower the interest rates...'

    2. The Bransons

    3. The Mansons...

  10. Belle - my first name is Irascible not Fairy!

    Anyway and so - if it's not worth getting upset about ten pounds worth of corruption where do you draw your line? £20, £100, £1000 - where? Myself I think that Richard Timney putting his porn films on his wife's expenses was probably a foolish oversight. I also tend to agree with you that £10 isn't very much BUT it is symptomatic of a lazier-faire attitude towards expense accounts, capitol and corruption which is poisoning not only the public's attitude towards politicians but also underlies the attitudes of the bankers that have almost brought down the global banking system.

    Richard x x x

  11. And Belle - a final thought - The Home Secretary - Jacqui Smith - and by extension her husband must be - at the very least - like Ceaser's wife - "above suspicion". That is no longer true.

    Richard x x x

  12. Back home again.

    This is the same Jacqui Smith who takes such a high moral stance on prostitution.

    I agree with Irascible. She must, like Pompeia, be above suspicion. Unfortunately, like Pompeia, she is under suspicion.

  13. Ah - the bankers - now there is something worth getting upset about. I concur.

  14. Ok, Irascible (is it ok if I call you by your first name ?), what's lazier-faire ? I think this must mean having your lover do all the work.

  15. It's a pun on Laissez-faire

    Richard x x x

  16. And mine was a pun on lazy affair, geddit ? Sorry, just messing around here but thanks for the answer, you're a true gent.