Wednesday, 20 April 2016

Comedy Night Farmers

I'm in Oslo today for a business meeting. Hotel bathrooms are my nemesis - they're quite bright (a lot brighter than the bathroom at home), and on looking in the mirror this morning I noticed festoons of nasal hair and a preponderance of what Hay calls my battle fluff (cheekbone hair that I can't see in our home bathroom mirror). I need to improve our bathroom lighting.

As expected, Michael Gove painted a picture of a UK within a European free trade area but not paying its subs. I spoke of this Disney fantasy yesterday and so won't dwell on it again today. As for Boris, he seems to have verbal Tourettes and just says; "Bollocks," or "Project Fear," to every conceivable thing.

We went to the local Village Hall Comedy Night on Saturday. I say 'we went' but Hay managed to get herself volunteered for helping out in the kitchen and so missed the three course meal and the three comedy acts.

The do was organised by the village hall committee, on which we sit as recently recruited 'new blood'. It was in support of modernising the hall's kitchen facilities and attracted some 13 tables of 8 or 9, so a good turnout at £25 a head. Several of the local ladies were tasked with preparing the food at home, bringing it to the village hall and then heating it up in the kitchen and serving it. Hay's responsibility was the garlic bread while others had pate, lasagne, various salads, boiled new potatoes and cheesecake on their lists. Hay was under the impression that all she had to do was prepare the garlic bread and deliver it, but no, she was in the kitchen for the entire 5 hours. Needless to say, she was refunded her £25.

Now, it's a village event in a rural community and all the food was prepared by volunteers - the leaflets said that. However you always get the professional whingers: "I'm allergic to beef, but I can eat lamb, pork or chicken," "Do you have any potatoes without the butter?" "I'm vegan," "Any garlic bread without the garlic - or bread?" "I have celiac's," "I'm lactose intolerant, got anything other than cheesecake?" "I'm a vegetarian."

For a start you can't be allergic to only beef - if you have a beef allergy you're allergic to all mammalian flesh. And No you're not vegan or vegetarian - you have an eating disorder that's verging on a mental one and you're a pain in the arse! The ladies in the kitchen were fuming. It seems vegetarianism is the latest fad. You can't just be vegetarian, you have to make life as difficult for others as you possibly can and parade your vegetarianism in front of all and sundry, almost like a political dogma, and you have to harangue the normal people about how you're super healthy and saving the planet. Just bring your own food and shut up, for Christ's sake - it's not a restaurant where they can cater for oddballs. Just leave all your vegetarian side issues in your own kitchen, along with your crystals, pyramids and dream catchers! The ladies were on the verge of giving the vegetarians and vegans a bale of hay to gnaw on. I believe one of them opened some tins of fruit for a fruit salad, but the vegetarians still weren't happy (are they ever?).

Our local cafe has a menu which has a key against every  meal listing what allergies and fads they are suited to. There are about 8 symbols in total! I can understand the nut allergies, but it's getting ridiculous what some people believe themselves to be allergic to. It's almost a lifestyle choice for the middle classes; you don't see the poor complaining about beef allergies.

The comedy acts were fantastic and the Scouser compere couldn't believe his luck when he picked on an audience member who is a farmer called Hugo. Manna from heaven to a Scouser. People who have been to these evenings before make sure they're not seated near the stage.

Living in a rural locality we naturally have a lot of farmers in these here parts. They're out in all weathers and yet they don't wear Mountain Warehouse, Mountain Equipment or The North Face heavy weather gear. No matter the severity of the elements you'll always find them in green wellies, a blue overall (green if they're into accessorising), a Barbour and a flat cap. May kit myself out in that the next time we tackle Snowdon,

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