April Fish

Due to my absence yesterday on a business trip, today's blog is a Guest Post from a regular reader and commentator - Kapgaf.

Normal service should be resumed tomorrow.

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Most of the readers of this blog know a certain number of facts about Mr Chairman (Hay, c-a-r-a-v-a-n, atheism, boats, mesh) but what you didn’t know is that he is fobbing you off with second best. This is serious. I’m blogging for him today because he says he’s too busy (yes, well, the other one plays ‘I believe’), but I think it’s important to inform you that I was not his first choice (message to the person who he did ask first : I hope you’re thinking “I’d have done it much better” and I hope that you will). Anyway, as you can probably tell I’ve said yes, but as I’m simultaneously cooking rabbit stew I will ask you to forgive any stains that might appear on the page.

Why the title? Well, it refers to yesterday because here in France they don’t say April Fool when they finally reveal that you haven’t won the lottery / had a new cheese named after you / been selected for Nouvelle Star (You’ve Got Talent or American Idol or whatever it is in your country of residence), they say April Fish.

In keeping with our Chairman’s comments on current affairs, I had a quick look at France’s three major newspapers : Le Figaro/ Telegraph, Le Monde / The Times and Libération / The Grauniad. No I didn’t look at L’Equipe, because it’s for sports lovers and I am not a sports lover.

A story in Libération caught my eye: a ban on smoking on the streets and a special brigade to enforce the ban (suggestions of the name for this brigade on a postcard please, “dog-ends” and “stubs” are already taken). I have to admit that as a non-smoker for a while now (roughly 17 months, 4 days, 3 hours and 22 minutes at the time of writing), this sounds like a good way to reduce temptation. But then I clicked and read on: special anti-cigarette brigade on roller-blades. Hmm, still plausible, they do have patrolling roller-blade policemen in Paris (if you don’t believe me, click here). However, I then learned that they would be armed with fluorescent pink or green water-pistols - and the game was up. Nice try, particularly the new slogan “Smoking damps”.

But the main news is of course the G20 and I expect that most of you are feeling pretty peeved that Nicolas Sarkozy is not on your side. After all, as he keeps telling us, he is a superhero (click here) who has single-handedly solved every problem in France (Europe, the Earth, the Solar System, the Galaxy, the Universe) including “la crise” (pronounced “creaze”, presumably to rhyme with “breeze” as in “solving it was a……..”).

The sweetest story today is that of Monsignor Twenty-Three (I kid you not, the man is called Monsignor Vingt Trois!).

He has said that, in these times when much hatred is levelled at the Pope, he would like to assure the Pope of the collective affection of the Episcopal conference. Isn’t that nice? Benoit (aka Benedict) was reported as saying: “People hate me? Was it something I said?”

Out of curiosity, I looked up the name Vingt-Trois and the story goes that it was because his great-great grandfather was abandoned. I suppose if you’ve only got the house number and not the name of the street, there’s not a lot you can do.

And I will leave you with the last piece of news to catch my eye: 150 gendarmes are being sent to Afghanistan. I thought, “Traffic must be really snarled up,” then I thought. “Well if it isn’t now, it soon will be.” But then I saw that the Head of State has said that sending more soldiers is out of the question, so obviously the gendarmes are second best - and I know how that feels so now I’m thinking, “Poor buggers.”