Absquatulation

Portsmouth Football Club has gone bust. I’m not a great fan of football – in fact I’d rather play tag with venomous snakes in a cesspit than watch the game – but I can see the days of overpaid footballers coming to a timely end. Clubs simply can’t keep on piling on the debt in the manner they have been doing. Bankers would seem to be the epitome of restraint and probity compared to chief executives of football clubs.

In a surprise turn of affairs the secret service, MI5, has been accused of, well, keeping secrets and using torture. I thought that's what they're meant to do. I mean, we’ve all seen Quantum of Solace where a baddie is told that if he doesn’t talk they’ll make it painful for him. Why can’t we have a return to the days when foreign governments ran our secret service and we all knew where we stood, as did our enemies? As M said: “They have people everywhere, just like florists.” I’ll never again look at my local florist in the same way.

A 51 year old has shocked the nation by trying to claim she’s 36.

Thieving MEPs have once more voted themselves a gratuitous handout because no-one has any power to control them. I wouldn’t mind if the buggers actually did something useful, but they have the intrinsic value of a turd in a tin – although that’s possibly being a bit harsh on turds in tins.

Here’s an e-mail disclaimer a friend sent me yesterday. Mildly amusing.

IMPORTANT: This e-mail is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word 'absquatulation' has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the dog next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites and place it in a warm oven for 40 minutes. Whisk briefly and let it stand for 2 hours before icing.