Thursday, 8 November 2012

The Female of the Species

A friend who reads my blog challenged me yesterday over my assertion that women are psychic. It seemed to come as a surprise to him.

It is a little known fact among young males of the species that women have an innate and transcendent ability to tune into the abstract. They cast their psychic aura into the interstices of subspace and gather such esoteric knowledge as the date of their own birthday, those of their children and various anniversaries that have deep significance (obviously only to them), like wedding anniversaries. Believe it or not, they even seem to know what day it is without reference to a newspaper or their computer's clock. It's almost as if they are one with some cosmic quantum-calendar.

I've heard it said that some women even have the ability to correctly recall the ages and names of all their children and to not mix the kids' names up during times of stress or general disinterest. This is a truly prodigious feat of recall which cannot in any way be called natural.

Take Hay, for example. She has an almost Godlike ability to precisely predict bin day and recycling collection day. These days are so obviously arbitrary that I have concluded they are selected each week by a roll of the dice at the local depot. If Hay happens to be away for any reasonable length of time then I'm in grave danger of drowning in a sea of cardboard, plastic, glass and tin.

Women are also telepathic, which can sometimes be the cause of friction with their male partners, as women are curiously oblivious the the fact that men are not similarly endowed. Even when told that men are not mind readers, the information simply doesn't seem to sink in - many are the times in my life I have used the phrase; "I'm not a bloody mind reader, you know!", but to no avail. It's as if there's a mental block to assimilating that nugget of information. Women just assume that men must be similarly in possession of their metaphysical telepathy and precognition.


  1. Get yourself an iPhone 4 with "Siri", you will never need a woman again. (In case The Good Lady Wife has just psychically read what I have just written let me add quickly, "except you my dear, except you")

    1. Alan - you thought it, thus she knows already without having to read it...

  2. Alan, He is from the "dark side" I phones are beyond him, as are android phones and obviously women !

    "Yes dear", suffices quite nicely and the pretense of being deaf unless it has food, beer or a sexual significance !

    Yes I know I have been married 5 times.

  3. Alan, Ask "siri"

    will you marry me...

    or "do you love me"?

    would you get a similar answer from the two legged version as well