Tuesday, 28 May 2013


Apparently there's been a fire at the St Ives Tate and it's feared there may be smoke damage to some works by Barbara Hepworth, Patrick Heron, Marlow Moss, Linder Sterling, Allen Ruppersberg and RH Quaytman.

Here are my suggestions to minimise the loss:

  • Hepworth - get a large pebble from the beach and bore a hole though it,
  • Patrick Heron - get a 5 year-old to do a daub in primary colours,
  • Marlow Moss - do a reasonable facsimile of a Piet Mondrian,
  • Linder (as she is known) - get some soft porn and superimpose a piece of ironmongery on it,
  • Allen Ruppersberg - think of some trite comments, write them on a multicoloured background, photograph them and enlarge,
  • RH Quaytman - muck about with Photoshop in monochrome.

No-one will notice the difference.


  1. Ah, you cynic, you. I was reading in the paper this morning that tomorrow is the 100th anniversary of the premier of Stravinsky's Right Of Spring and that in 1913 people threw rotten fruit at the performers and orchestra. The problem with anything modern is that it is tricky spotting good from trite.

    1. The trouble with any conceptual art is the concept - and spotting anything good at all.