Thursday, 13 August 2009

The BIG Questions

I shall first proceed to answer some of the big questions of our time:

How and why did the universe begin?

The current theory is a Big Bang, but we don’t know precisely why, and maybe never will. It could have been as a result of a rebound from a Big Crunch of a previous universe, or it could have been as a result of our universe budding off another (and possibly co-existing) universe via a vacuum fluctuation. It could feasibly have been as a result of the Infinite Improbability Drive, in which case it could equally well disappear as a result of Spontaneous Massive Existence Failure.

Where have you all gone?

Is time travel physically or logically possible?

We travel through time continually – but only in one direction. As for going back in time, the laws of physics forbid it. However, that doesn’t stop some people living in a time-warp, as evidenced by Status Quo.

Why are we here? What's the point of living?

Well if that’s how you feel, I’m thinking of doing cheap assisted suicides as a sideline. Any takers?

Are we descended from apes?

Seems like it - some more recently than others.

Could a computer have a mind?

If Paris Hilton has one, then why not? In fact, she’s proof that a marshmallow has a mind. Rocks think very slowly.

What is death and why should we fear it?

It’s the feeling you had before you were conceived. If you’ve experienced it before, then why fear it?

Here’s another take on it. Are you in Vladivostok? The answer (unless you happen to be in Vladivostok) is no. The logical conclusion is that you are elsewhere. If you are elsewhere, you are not here. If you’re not here, you don’t exist. If you don’t exist, you’re dead. How do you feel? Ergo being dead is the same as how you feel now.

I'm also led to believe that death is the feeling experienced by people who live in Swindon (colloquially known as Swine).

Are we alone in the universe?

The truth is out there somewhere. However, if the question is posed by you to me, then I have to say no, as there is a whole bunch of other people in the world, who also happen to be in the universe (except for Paris Hilton of course, who is in an alternate pink universe comprised of her alone).

Are moral values relative or absolute?

Absolutely relative.

How do we decide between right and wrong?

We weigh up the benefits our actions bring us against the odds of being caught or the action coming back to bite us in the bum at a later stage – except if you’re Nicholas Van Hoogstraten, who is an emissary of Beelzebub.

Should the rich help the poor?

Definitely – all donations will be gratefully received.

Does God exist?

She must. Her PMT is the root cause of all evil in the world.

Talking of God, a group of rabbis and Jewish mystics have taken to the skies over Israel, praying and blowing ceremonial trumpets to ward off swine flu. The words ‘triumph of hope over reality’ come to mind.

A friend of mine posted this photo on Facebook a couple of days ago. What were they thinking of when they named this one?

It’s actually a Photoshopped image of the Titan Taurus. I found out by looking up the IMO Number above the name. Sad to think it’s not real – it should be.

Have you seen the latest Islamic swimwear, which is causing a bit of a kerfuffle in France. It’s called the Burkini.

Personally, if someone wishes to try and swim dressed in a drogue, that’s their affair, but officials in a French swimming pool have banned it.


  1. I feel all reassured. It's good to know you have thought about all these things and come up with the answers.

    What with all the things going on in my life, now, I don't have to to divide my energy to worry over it!


    ps/in the case of Van Hoogstraten, therein lies the answer to another potential BIG question: Is money the root of all evil? In his case, yes.

  2. Truestarr: Let me do your thinking for you. 2nd thoughts, better not - you might end up in a time vortex.

  3. Sir,
    You are a philosopher of monumental scale, a titan in a field of dormice. With you at our helm, our ship of state could safely sail the most troubled seas.
    Yours etc.

  4. Alan: Your good taste is exceeded only by your erudition.

  5. I'm content, you've answered all my major concerns, oh and I can vouch for the death thing in Swindon!

  6. Cots: You're not an ex Swine, are you?

  7. Unfortunately I am forced to work there once a week and so face many near death experiences.

  8. Cots: Hay works there too. Luckily on the outskirts.

  9. Phil,

    based on several days ago... my finishing school was life and as yet has not fallen down, burned or otherwise crapped the bed... my previous schools had a similarity to yours !
    However, just because I can not smell has not really effected my outcome in life, well not too much anyway, I managed to make a fair chunk of change last year !!
    But I do welcome your answers to life's questions and a glad to see we do have some things in common. The others that we do not have in common mean that the world does have at least a modicum of equilibrium in it.
    and yes as of this morning I have to totally agree with the Swindon comment.. near death experience #5 of this trip on a piece of road they call a roundabout ! what were the road planners thinking !

  10. Phil: It's probably that roundabout where once you're on you can't exit. There are rotted hulks of Ford Consuls and Hilman Minxes there that never escaped the spatio-temporal anomaly.

    When are you headed back to Jacksonville?

  11. Chairman - "The Power of Kabbalah" by Yehuda Berg will answer most of your big questions (but then I would say that, wouldn't I) All the same, your blog is continually an education for me :o)
    Not sure I understand why French Islamic women are dressing up as smurfs to go swimming (or is that imitating members of the Blue Man Group?) - one of the greatest mysteries of all time, methinks.
    Titan Uranus made me laugh out loud - if only it were true...

  12. Kabbalah: I'm afraid it won't - well not for me. Philosophy - and especially metaphycial ontology - is not designed to answer questions as it merely raises further questions by virtule of breaking Occam's Razor through unnecessarily multiplying entities. Philosophy has not answered a single important question - ever.

    Observation, measurement and experiment are what provide answers to questions.

    The meaning of life is to forget about the search for the meaning of life and instead investigate how it started. If you seek the meaning of life you will never find a life - well, not as we know it Jim.

    Mind you, that's just a philosophical judgement on my part.

  13. I feel so much safer now....


  14. Argentum: Be afraid. Be very afraid.

    How's Rio? I was there a couple of years ago and loved it.

  15. That woman looks like a Smurf. She must really hate herself!

  16. Sarah: Well, we can't really knock it as Victorian women wore equally weird gear when swimming.

    If the purpose is to turn men off her, then it certainly works.

  17. I was quite content with the answer of life ,the universe and everything being 42 now you have confused things somewhat.
    Luckily I am not suicidal, although I may well be if I had to wear a Burkini.

  18. Kerrie: Imagine competing in Come Dancing in one of those. Hideous!

  19. Not unless they do a version with sequins and tassles.

  20. Well, now I'm not afraid of anything and I'm still secure in the knowledge that the French have excellent taste.

  21. Scarlet: For Smurf outfits, yes.

  22. Glad to know you have all the answers. Next time my 4-year-old is in an inquisitive mood I'll get him to call you up...

  23. Re Rio, I have been here since 1992, apart from traveling around the continent and living for periods in Peru & Bolivia. I love it, but find that areas are getting really dangerous (not tourist areas, but residential areas). Once my health improves, and my work here finished, I am off back to Bolivia in about a year.