The BIG Questions

I shall first proceed to answer some of the big questions of our time:

How and why did the universe begin?

The current theory is a Big Bang, but we don’t know precisely why, and maybe never will. It could have been as a result of a rebound from a Big Crunch of a previous universe, or it could have been as a result of our universe budding off another (and possibly co-existing) universe via a vacuum fluctuation. It could feasibly have been as a result of the Infinite Improbability Drive, in which case it could equally well disappear as a result of Spontaneous Massive Existence Failure.

Where have you all gone?

Is time travel physically or logically possible?

We travel through time continually – but only in one direction. As for going back in time, the laws of physics forbid it. However, that doesn’t stop some people living in a time-warp, as evidenced by Status Quo.

Why are we here? What's the point of living?

Well if that’s how you feel, I’m thinking of doing cheap assisted suicides as a sideline. Any takers?

Are we descended from apes?

Seems like it - some more recently than others.

Could a computer have a mind?

If Paris Hilton has one, then why not? In fact, she’s proof that a marshmallow has a mind. Rocks think very slowly.

What is death and why should we fear it?

It’s the feeling you had before you were conceived. If you’ve experienced it before, then why fear it?

Here’s another take on it. Are you in Vladivostok? The answer (unless you happen to be in Vladivostok) is no. The logical conclusion is that you are elsewhere. If you are elsewhere, you are not here. If you’re not here, you don’t exist. If you don’t exist, you’re dead. How do you feel? Ergo being dead is the same as how you feel now.

I'm also led to believe that death is the feeling experienced by people who live in Swindon (colloquially known as Swine).

Are we alone in the universe?

The truth is out there somewhere. However, if the question is posed by you to me, then I have to say no, as there is a whole bunch of other people in the world, who also happen to be in the universe (except for Paris Hilton of course, who is in an alternate pink universe comprised of her alone).

Are moral values relative or absolute?

Absolutely relative.

How do we decide between right and wrong?

We weigh up the benefits our actions bring us against the odds of being caught or the action coming back to bite us in the bum at a later stage – except if you’re Nicholas Van Hoogstraten, who is an emissary of Beelzebub.

Should the rich help the poor?

Definitely – all donations will be gratefully received.

Does God exist?

She must. Her PMT is the root cause of all evil in the world.

Talking of God, a group of rabbis and Jewish mystics have taken to the skies over Israel, praying and blowing ceremonial trumpets to ward off swine flu. The words ‘triumph of hope over reality’ come to mind.

A friend of mine posted this photo on Facebook a couple of days ago. What were they thinking of when they named this one?


It’s actually a Photoshopped image of the Titan Taurus. I found out by looking up the IMO Number above the name. Sad to think it’s not real – it should be.

Have you seen the latest Islamic swimwear, which is causing a bit of a kerfuffle in France. It’s called the Burkini.


Personally, if someone wishes to try and swim dressed in a drogue, that’s their affair, but officials in a French swimming pool have banned it.