Monday, 14 December 2009

A Monday Mish-Mash

I’ve heard it all now as far as dredging the bottom of the televisual entertainment barrel is concerned. On Saturday evening we were (unsuccessfully) scanning the TV listings looking for something remotely interesting or intelligent to watch and spotted a programme called Young Mechanic Of The Year. Riveting stuff, I’ll wager. I can imagine the voice-over now – “And for our first nomination we have Dave Scoggins and his immortal Nissan Micra head gasket replacement from July 2009.”

The relentless proliferation of TV channels has presented us with our worst nightmare; wall-to-wall game shows, banal reality ‘documentaries’ covering the most inane rubbish imaginable and award shows celebrating terminal mediocrity in all its forms.

TV advertising revenue is a finite sum and the more channels it has to be spread over results in less revenue per channel. We’re now getting to the stage where the adverts are more interesting (and costly to produce) than the programmes they’re meant to finance. While an award for a good mechanic might be a laudable initiative, it has the entertainment value of a turd - even for the vast majority of motor mechanics. Next we’ll have Young Office Junior or Young Cloakroom Attendant Of The Year.

I confidently predict the emergence of the Award Show Awards within the next 12 months. It’s a sad indictment on society when the elimination of some total nonentity or C list celebrity from a game show becomes front page news on the BBC.

I’ve conceived of a new idea in domestic appliances that I want to take to James Dyson for development into a prototype – or even a number of prototypes. Ever noticed that no matter how clean your floor is, whenever you drop an item of food onto it the food will always have some detritus sticking to it? It could be fluff, grit or anything, but you’ll always have something adhering to it. Well, if you were to take a few thick banana slices, thread them onto a wire spindle and attach a long handle, you’d end up with the Banana Hoover that would collect every single piece of dirt from your carpets. You could extend the range of appliances with the Pork Chop Duster and the Buttered Toast Surface Cleaner. The added benefit is that the devices are bio-degradable.

The media is full of stories about the country being in deep financial poo and it’s going to cost every tax payer several thousand pounds. However, the debt has been caused by us lending banks squillions of pounds – money which isn’t actually real, but virtual money based on guarantees. Now if one lends people or companies money the quid pro quo is interest payments, which they are apparently now all paying off. This logically dictates that we’re making a profit on the transaction, as banks are now so bloody profitable as to be paying their people gigantic bonuses. So can someone tell me that the problem actually is? Seems to me that Gordon Brown has done a good deal. What am I missing? If there is a problem it can only be one of a temporary nature with liquidity.

The Archbishop of Cadbury has said that the government treats religious faith as an "eccentricity" practiced by "oddities". I’d say not just the government. In the UK religion is fast becoming one of those eccentric things practised only by the very poor or the aristocracy (or aspirant aristocracy), like hunting foxes on horseback, joining the yacht club on the basis of owning a skiff, building castles, sporting monocles and wearing cravats or lurid coloured corduroy trousers in bright green or salmon pink – and even then only by the RC moronity, sorry, minority.

While on the subject of religion, Stephen Venner, the new Archbishop of the Armed Forces has said the Taliban can perhaps be admired for their conviction to their faith. That’s like saying children should be admired for their faith in Father Christmas. Idiotic nonsense; blind faith is nothing to be admired, except perhaps the band comprising Eric Clapton, Ginger Baker, Steve Winwood and Ric Grech.

Why are the police are always in flak-jackets? Doesn’t exactly endear them to the public when they come round to investigate the odd missing moggy, does it?

Here’s the Chairman’s tip for a flat stomach; lie on your back. Here’s Hay’s tip should you have a vegetarian to feed over Christmas; tell these sad people to pull themselves together and piss off home – after all it’s Christmas. Hay reckons she’s never met a vegetarian who doesn’t have deep, unresolved issues. If I’ve offended anyone, then tough.


  1. BBC3 have run a whole series of those strange award shows, including 'Young Butcher of the Year'. I didn't watch any of them; I'm sure they are not as funny as they sound.

    It seems to me that at least half of BBC3's output is broadcast in order for Harry Hill to have something to take the piss out of on his TV Burp.

  2. As something of a connoisseur of Chairman Bill rants I have to say this must be one of your finest ever. By the second paragraph I wanted to vote you into power, by the fourth paragraph I had appointed you the Archbishop of Cadbury and Nestles and by the end I was rejoicing in your second coming. Sorry, but you will get no bloody arguments from me today.

  3. Liz: Yes - BBC3 it was! A veritable compendium of trivia.

    Alan: Such praise! Oh, come on - there must be something over which you disagree with me?

  4. Yes, with regard to television, I usually love the Christmas Radio Times and feel really christmasy leafing through it. But do you know it was so full of boring shit, I left it unread on the coffee table. sob ! xxxx

  5. Seems fair to me too, although I can't quite bring myself to agree with everything, surely the traditional food-stuff to be dragging around in your Dyson wouldn't be bananas but toast with jam on it? This would have the added advantage that when spring cleaning while falling down drunk, your hoover would always land sucky side down?

    On the subject of the Taliban, you could also say that unlike Mr Venner, at least they believe what it actually says in their infallible books, none of this allegorical sophistry for them oh no, if it says stone your wife to death for being in the same county as an unmarried man with an erection then pass out the rocks (just make sure they haven't got fossils in them!)

  6. Looking at your live feed at this time of day shows many folk from places such as Canterbury NZ, Melbourne , Australia, Lewisburg, Pennsylvania,Ashland Pennsylvania, Green cove springs, Florida ( oh.. thats me !)
    what the hell these people see in your rants and raves is beyond me... however most of them left the jolly old UK when there was no more than ITV and "the BBC" no BBC2, BBC3 etc... what the hell would they care. They ( and I ) have been putting up with this inane BS for years on Cable and satelite. I do enjoy BBC America now only if ts just to pick up a bit of good British Humour from the Car chap and his show !

    by the way: WARN THE DOG::: we will be in the UK for 4 months Mid Jan to APril as for some unknown reason we won a contract there...


  7. I like how Hay thinks. Although, the doggy dermatologist has put my Miniature Schnauzer Libby on a vegetarian diet. Yuck. She's so sad not to get table scraps anymore.
    But Doctor's Orders.