Friday, 12 June 2009

Friday 12/06/09

Thanks to all who provided feedback on the spectacle frames, especially Dave who suggested I not give in at all to approaching old age and simply use a small slave child to describe items in front of me. After all the warnings I’m not now as sure about wearing varifocals; it’s probably safer to juggle half a dozen pairs of specs while simultaneously driving, e-mailing and answering the phone. I do like pair 1, as they have brightly coloured arms which means that at least they will be highly visible against dark backgrounds, which in turn would aid location enormously. Perhaps I need a pair with a sonic bleeper to aid location even more.

Now for the news.

Sportswear marketing company, Manchester United, yesterday denied being part of a huge and lucrative international criminal ring trafficking in human misery. The board of Manchester United is believed to have accepted an offer of £80m from shady characters in Madrid for a certain Cristiano Ronaldo, who it is believed was kept in degrading conditions as a slave.

“This sets a record amount paid for a slave,” said Cyril McSpartacus, a director of Traffick Watch (Human Branch). It is rumoured that Ronaldo is being lined up for work in the WAG sex trade, although some experts in the field of human trafficking suspect he may be forced to dress in a humiliating clown outfit in order to be cynically exploited in a degrading manner to promote a brand of American hamburgers.

Manchester United responded to the allegation by maintaining Ronaldo is in fact an indentured worker and not a slave, although many would call an indentured worker a debt bondage slave. Anti Slavery International is monitoring this despicable trade, which they report as truly international in scale and being in direct contravention of international agreements to which both Britain and Spain are signatories.

This sad trade would appear to be seasonal, with containers full of these poor, wretched and exploited individuals being trafficked across borders in a frenzy of activity between January and March and again between July and August, although no-one has yet ascertained the precise reason for these dates being significant to the traffickers. It is thought than many are sold to bored female pop singers and underwear models, although some are traded with other sportswear marketing companies in the manner of over-the-counter derivatives.

Phil Spector, pop svengali, music impresario, wig mannequin, international man of mystery, master of disguise and homicidal maniac has been deprived of his collection of outlandish and ridiculous syrups for between 19 years and life. Spector was once credited as being a member of the Plastic Ono Band.

Ex Beatle, Yoko Ono, has been presented with a lifetime achievement award at the Mojo magazine awards. Pundits suggest the award is in recognition for her part in the breakup of the Beatles (which is arguably her finest piece of performance art), as it can’t possibly be for her contribution to music. It was hinted that the Plastic Ono Band will shortly be reforming. The line-up will include John Lennon look-alike, Sean Lennon; unknown artist and Planet of the Apes character, Cornelius; and Yuka Honda, a motorcycling plant.

Wine sales in the UK slumped 2% in 2008, so here’s my bit to get them up again: Lidl Cimarosa Californian ruby cabernet, 2007. I’m so impressed with the Cimarosa range of wines – probably because they’re all southern hemisphere – and they’re comparable to other brands costing two or three times as much. Here’s a good site for the amateur wine buff.

Moving the caravan tomorrow, so I probably won’t post over the weekend.


  1. I voted for Scary, but mostly because of the Phil Spector photos. Shivers running down my spine. Will you be moving the caravan to a sunnier place? ;-)

  2. Carolina: He is somewhat scary, ain't he?

    The daravan is moving 3 lengths into the field, so not really a sunnier position, but more remote and surrounded by grass (and sheep).

  3. 'Somewhat' might be the understatement of the year.

  4. Carolina: Yes - perhaps I'll register a scary too, if only on the basis of the last photo.

  5. The whole football story makes me sick. Really sick. It's disgusting and I don't want to talk about it.

  6. Belle: I'm more sickened by Yoko Ono getting a music award.

  7. I've gone with scary too but not because of Phil Spector, it's that slavery story that really scares me - it's been going on for years and nobody seems to do anything about it. Wasn't there some English guy who was sold to Spain ? Funny voice and a posh wife, is all I really remember.

    Never mind moving the caravan to a sunnier spot, just be careful of your back, those things are heavy, get some people to help.

    Does this mean that there will be no more overheards from the Caravans ?