Saturday, 13 June 2009

Nursery Crymes

2 hours to go before caravan moving operations begin.

Your roving reporter has learned that the British government is to crack down on scientifically untested quack remedies being touted by primary schools. A number of schools force children in their care to repeat the following mantra:

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
Apple in the morning - Doctor's warning.
Roast apple at night - starves the doctor outright.
Eat an apple going to bed - knock the doctor on the head.
Three each day, seven days a week - ruddy apple, ruddy cheek.

Professor Mithras Moonblood, director general of Ofquack, said that such untried remedies promoted a culture of quackery and a belief that alternative therapies actually work. “It is ridiculous,” he continued, “to suggest that apples are an effective prophylaxis against health professionals calling at your door. The research is so poorly done as to be completely off the quackometer scale.” Prince Charles, celebrity tree-talker and self-appointed King of Quackery, said: “We shouldn’t deny the efficacy of apples too quickly as, after all, garlic has been scientifically proven to keep vampires away. I’d like to coin a new term – quackery denial. Can I introduce you to my new friend – Mr Oak?”

Our royal correspondent reports that Prince Andrew, the Duke of York, marched 10,000 men up to the top of a hill in the vicinity of Royal Lodge, his home in Windsor Great Park. He subsequently marched them down again. They lingered at the halfway mark, but this caused some confusion, as they didn’t know whether they were up or down. The reason for this strange activity is unknown, but the Duke was later seen atop the gates of Royal Lodge baying at the moon.

The Animal Liberation Front attacked a farm in Leicestershire yesterday where it is rumoured mice are used in scientific experiments into blindness. An letter purporting to be from the ALF was received at the offices of The Grocer, a monthly publication for purveyors of comestibles, alleging that a crack team from ALF had liberated three blind mice which were subsequently discovered to have had their tails surgically amputated. The farmer’s wife is being questioned about allegations of animal cruelty.

In a late breaking report our royal correspondent says that the Queen of Hearts has been found guilty of procuring for illicit purposes and running a brothel on a summer’s day. Due to intense plea bargaining she received a suspended sentence – her evidence resulted in her accomplice, the Knave of Hearts, being prosecuted for larceny.

An old woman has been charged under the public health act and her ‘Old Woman’s Shoe’ restaurant chain has been forcibly closed down by health inspectors. She stands accused of serving cold pease pudding well beyond its sell-by date and not having wheelchair access. The health inspectors reported that the pease pudding was nine days old. This is not the first time the old woman has had a brush with the law; last year she was found guilty of child abuse for whipping her 40 children and starving them.

Earlier this week council pest control officers were called to a tuffet factory in Lancashire owned by Little Miss Muffet. The factory was found to be infested with arachnids which resulted in the factory having to shut for 3 days while it was fumigated. The closure has had an enormous impact on the local economy, as 60% of the town’s population is employed in the factory. The pest control officers suspect the arachnids may have been attracted by bowls of curds and whey which are left out for the factory cat.

A man from St Ives has been prosecuted for bigamy with seven women, and each of the women was then subsequently prosecuted for animal cruelty by the RRPCA. Apparently each of the women was in possession of sacks containing numerous cats and kittens and it is thought they were on their way to drown them. In his defence, the man claimed to be a Muslim.

A woman, who for reasons of court anonymity can only be referred to as ‘Jill’, sued the Bristol National Health Service trust earlier this week. She alleges that following an accident sustained while fetching a pail of water, her husband ‘Jack’ was rushed to Frenchay hospital head injuries unit where consultants treated his fractured skull with vinegar and brown paper. He subsequently died. She said she was well aware of the fact that the NHS has to make savings, but this took the biscuit. It has not been a good year for the Bristol NHS Trust, as this case follows hard on the heels of the Humpty-Dumpty scandal, which left the Trust with egg all over its face, a large clean-up bill and 6 cubic metres of horse manure.

Police in Yorkshire are confident they are closing in on the killer of Jake ‘Cock Robin’ Robinson, a well known thief from the village of Baht’at on Ilkley Moor. The current theory they are pursuing is that Cock Robin fell out with a know accomplice, Jack ‘the Hat’ Sparrow, who has not been seen in the area for a number of weeks, and was killed by Sparrow. Sparrow was last sighted aboard a ship, the Back Pearl, in Hull harbour and may have escaped to the Caribbean, where police have traveled to meet the vessel on its arrival.

PS - I commend this to you. It's a friend of mine's grandson's band who have just released their debut album.


  1. Will you be asleep under the haystack while the moving is going on ? I shall be laughing to see such fun.
    Happy moving.

  2. P.S. talking of moving, I note that, according to your LTF, I recently moved to Picardie. This comes as news to me as I didn't feel a thing.

  3. Classic! Much better than the original versions...

  4. Yes but a'tissue, a'tissue will stop you falling down from Swine fever.

  5. Very funny.
    I'm listening to Drift while typing this. Not bad, but not my kind of music. Good luck with the move. Be nice to the sheep. I like sheep.

  6. "In his defence, the man claimed to be a Muslim." I live in a village full of Muslims. It should be noted, cats are a rarity.
    Just sayin'....

  7. Kapgaf: Well I won't blow my horn.

    Jinksy: Many thanks.

    Scarlet: A tissue, a tissue, my kingdom for a tissue.

    Carolina: No baa baa black sheep at present.

    Braja: The reference was to the 7 wives, not the cats, although I'm aware that 4 is the usual limit.