Sunday, 28 June 2009

Sunday 28/06/09

I was downloading a couple of old primary school photos from Friends Reunited yesterday, which reminded me of what my mother used to say to me each day as a kid before toddling off to school: “Put clean underwear on, just in case you get run down by a car and have to be taken to hospital.” A bit pointless when you consider that being run over by a car in those days would usually result in your underwear being stained with every conceivable bodily fluid under the sun. If your head wasn’t crushed by cross-ply tyres made of impossibly hard rubber, the mascot on the bonnet would be guaranteed to disembowel you and take your head clean off your shoulders. Doubtless during the process, you’d piss and crap yourself to kingdom come.

I heard John Humphreys on the radio saying that it’s now 6 months since we learned that bankers had been behaving like drunken sailor on shore leave. I take great exception to this slur on my old profession; if ever I went ashore to get drunk, I’d more than likely start behaving like a sober banker – with total social irresponsibility and not even a passing nod to the concept of conscience.

Of late Hay has been saying I’ve put on a fair bit of weight. I laid down a challenge – that I could get into a pair of her trousers (and not metaphorically speaking). Now Hay is currently nine and a half stones and just short of 6 feet. She chose a pair of long black evening trews, which I just managed to squeeze into, much to her surprise. The secret is that women have hips whereas we men do not, and it makes a considerable difference when slithering into loinwear.

I’ve often pondered on the counter-intuitive fact that we humans go dark in the sun as a protective measure against sunburn, whereas the darker the skin the more heat it absorbs. You’d think that being white would reflect the UV and being dark would absorb it – but you’d be wrong. Following a little research I discovered that melanin has a photochemical effect, rather than a pure physical one, and converts 99.9% of UV radiation into heat, whereas the best sunscreen can achieve only 81%. That’s the reason why there is a greater prevalence of skin cancer among sunscreen users than those who (like me) go commando and eschew the stuff. There’s nothing quite like evolution to provide the necessary protection.

We went food shopping yesterday and I absentmindedly put some stuff I’d gleaned from a shelf into another woman’s shopping trolley. She gave me the strangest look and informed me she didn’t really want any tinned salmon, despite my obvious recommendation. Felt such a fool.

While waiting in a waiting room yesterday I leafed though a copy of Hello magazine – not my usual reading material I hasten to add. What a bunch of social misfits! Half of them look as if they belong in a waxworks, and the other half look more suited to Bedlam. A fair number made Jacko look positively a paragon of social normality. I also haven’t a clue as to who a third of those profiled are, but I do at least know they have execrable taste in clothes, furniture and children.

Got a damnably bad hangover this morning.


  1. I enjoyed reading this post - I wish I could marshall my random thoughts and musings that well.

    I too have looked at Hello in waiting rooms and I don't know who on earth most of the people inside it are either.

    How did you put in that 'reactions' thing at the bottom of your post? I want one!

  2. Liz: Buggered if I can remember, but I'll have a fiddle and come back with an answer in a trice.

  3. Liz: I have it. You edit the layout in your dashboard and then edit the Blog in the resulting table. Click the 8th tick-box and edit the text to whatever you want but keep it short.

  4. I am laughing at the thought of you slipping into a pair of Hay's trousers!

    Now that, I would buy a copy of Hello! magazine to see!

  5. Woman: Wish I'd let Hay take a photo as proof.

  6. Sometimes the concept of Walking The Plank seems a good one!

  7. Cross-dressing and over-drinking. My, what a busy weekend you've been having.

    I'm thinking up a list of people whom I'd like to see walk the plank.

  8. Liking your blog. I, too, have been known to put items in other peoples trolleys. This was deliberate and in response to some old person stopping randomly and blocking the entire aisle. The trick is to do it when they are not looking.