Wednesday, 3 June 2009

Wednesday 03/06/09

Amid unfounded allegations of attempted vote rigging in the Britain’s Got talent competition, disgraced benefits fraudster, Jacqui Smith, is expected to stand down as home secretary in a reshuffle, Whitehall sources have said. It is widely suggested that Gordon ‘Obi-Wan’ Brown will appoint Scottish singing sensation Susan Boyle to replace her, thereby possibly igniting a diplomatic row between the UK and North Korea, where North Korean lunatic sensation, Kim Jong-Il, had earlier nominated Boyle to succeed him when he pegs it. 10-year-old crying sensation, Hollie Steel, said it will all end in tears while David ‘call me Dave’ Cameron said it was an accounting oversight and he’d pay Susan back later.

Media reports indicate that Scottish singing sensation Susan Boyle will gate-crash the French D-Day celebrations on Saturday, representing a very piqued English Royal sensation, Queen Elizabeth, and thus cementing the ‘Auld Alliance’. Her Madge is reportedly not amused. The French responded with an emphatic, “Non,” while saluting the French white flag. Scottish financial sensation, Chancellor Alistair ‘Darling’ Darling, said it was an administrative error and all would be paid back with interest come the next time the Germans decided to march through the French countryside.

English Britain’s Got Talent judging sensation, Amanda Holdem-up, has been defending BGT’s decision to exhibit Scottish singing sensation Susan Boyle in the Britain’s Got Talent zoo. Amanda said that Susan had been given a rigorous psychological assessment prior to appearing on BGT. Boyle apparently passed the stringent test with flying colours by managing to walk in a straight line and remember her name.

The former US First Lady, Nancy Reagan, says she still "sees" her husband Ronald, and talks to him regularly, despite him having been dead as a doornail since 2004 and incapable of rational thought for some years previous to that due to Alzheimer’s. The 87 year-old nutter, who consults astrologers, said that she also regularly sees Napoleon, Julius Caesar and Scottish singing sensation Susan Boyle. Ronald Reagan was, understandably, not available for comment.

Welsh acting sensation, Michael Sheen, who is famous for playing ex PM Tony Blair in the film The Queen has received an OBE from the Queen. Sheen has played the former prime minister on two occasions - in The Queen and The Deal – the latter of which charted Blair’s successful hacking down of all obstacles in his path to 10 Downing Street. The Queen asked Sheen what he was doing next and he replied that he was playing the ex prime minister in a film about Tony Blair and Bill Clinton, where he plays both parts simultaneously. After that he intends to replace Gordon Brown as the real PM, with Scottish singing sensation Susan Boyle as his home secretary.

Children at a school in the Outer Hebrides have contracted a severe case of a rare avian flu variant – the S1B1, or Susan Boyle strain. Those afflicted tend to sing like a bird and have pretensions to Scottish singing sensationalism.

Sensational pop boy band Weststar have unexpectedly pulled out of their plan to rescue beleaguered makers of crappy vans, LDV. The business Minister, Ian Pearson, said the government was disappointed that the deal had fallen through but really didn’t give a toss as it didn’t involve an opportunity for members of the government to clam expenses.

Two dinosaur skulls have fetched top prices at an auction in New York. The buyer remains a mystery, but sources claim the secret purchaser is none other than Scouse singing sensation, Sir Paul McCartney, who intends exhibiting the skulls next to his other dinosaur fossil, Ringo Star.

Soaring temperatures may have buckled a section of rail track in Cumbria, causing a passenger train to derail, officials have said. The officials are blaming the wrong kind of sun.

Just a warning before you're tempted to vote Green in the European Elections on Thursday – have a quick read of this.

I wonder whether the crop ‘circle’ that appeared in a field in Oxfordshire this week was an advert for the Greens?

Forgot to mention that on Sunday I made a start at creating a lawn from the jungle in the field just where the caravan is going to be towed in a couple of weeks. Made the mistake of assuming I could strim the area dressed in a T shirt, shorts and old gardening crocs. Within a few seconds I was covered in green mush and my crocs were filled with bits of thistle. Being a silver-back alpha-male, I persevered in the face of acute embarrassment and pain, resulting in Hay having to bleach my clothes and my feet feeling like I had the beginnings of MS.

Solved one of life’s deepest mysteries yesterday. You know those ribbed tubs of crème caramel you can buy in supermarkets? Well heretofore I’ve never managed to get all the crème caramel out of the tub due to some sticking in the ribs of the container and the ribs being too close together to get a spoon into the crevice. However, if you insert the spoon in the middle and pull upwards on the spoon with a gentle pressure toward the outside, but not enough to touch the outside, the caramel slips out complete. Why in the name of sanity do they make the tubs in this manner?

Yesterday I was loading up Facebook’s ‘Cities I have Visited’ application with, surprisingly enough, a list of places I have been and discovered that about a quarter of the places aren’t even listed. Islands, such as the Azores and the Cape Verde Islands, just don’t register.

It comprises 165 cities (or towns) in 55 countries – not including a bunch of places in the UK. Not bad considering the vast majority was visited before I was 28. They say travel broadens the mind, but I disagree. The more you travel – especially when it’s your job, the more blasé you become about it and just want to get home. Far from broadening the mind, for professional travelers the mind is narrowed. I now can’t think of anything more excruciating than a holiday abroad.

Hay mentioned something a couple of days ago that hit a resonant note. She said that whenever you see photos of Russian singing sensation Roman Abramovich he always has a gormless look on his face. During a moment on ennui yesterday lunchtime I was having a quick scan through our storesman’s Daily Star when I spotted a photo of Abramovich – and sure enough he had that vacant look of a startled Russian oligarch on his face.

Chelsea FC manager, Carlo Ancelotti (left - demanding more pies) and Roman Abramovich (right - startled)


  1. Abramovich is gormless - hence the photos. Read the other day that he had spent £70 million (or was it £90 Million?) on Chelsea FC since becoming the owner - if that isn't gormless, what is?

  2. Drag: Don't follow football, so I wouldn't know.

  3. Good grief, what a big one! (ooer!)

    I beg you not to mention Susan Boyles' name. Am so sick of hearing about that bloody woman. Sounds heartless but don't care.

    Er - forgotten what else i was going to say now. Good blog anyway xxxx

  4. First-time visitor to your blog as a result of seeing a comment of yours on Carolina in Nederland's Brinkbeest blog. Being a dumb American, I first thought you hadn't posted since March 6 (03/06/2009) but soon realized you meant June 3 as no one on God's green earth had even heard of usan-Say oyle-Bay on March 6.

    I am now an avid follower without portfolio, although I do not do the official "follower" thing. I was not prepared for what I found and nearly spewed nasal mucus all over the screen because of my snorting, not to mention that I also peed my pants three times. But then I am 68, so it goes with the territory, I suppose.

    Also, being American, I was not familiar with the word "gormless" and supposed it meant the poor chap had been neutered involuntarily, but soon put me aright.

    I shall return.

  5. Jenny: That was the point I was trying to make, as you probably gathered.

    Rhymes: Glad to have you aboard. We need more youngsters like yourself.

  6. Please watching
    The Bravest Girl in the World
    The Best Fantastic Voice: Hollie Steel
    Combine 3 video and lyrics in display: I could have danced all night, Edelweiss and Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again
    Thank You