Thursday, 11 June 2009

Thursday 11/06/09

Overheard in the caravan:

Hay is inspecting the contents of the fridge.

Hay: “Looks like we’re going to have to have salad for dinner tomorrow night.”
Chairman (sotto voce): “Oh dear.”
Hay (fortissimo): “What?”
Chairman (morendo): “Nothing dear.”

In an unexpected turn-around, UK production showed a marked upturn in April – someone actually made something, but buyers for the mobile telephone for talking horses the knitted windbreak and the disposable paper necktie have yet to be found.

In a surprising display of frankness and sexual liberation, the wives of the Presidents of France and the USA (below) have been demonstrating the sizes of their respective husbands’ entente cordiales.

In what is welcome news to pub goers throughout the nation, BSkyB has refused a £50m lifeline to Irish sports satellite TV broadcaster Setanta, which is facing administration. Finally we can now visit pubs without the incessant cacophony of televised football blaring away in the background. We can but pray that Sky Sports to also go into administration, which somehow seems as likely as Osama Bin Laden becoming the next Speaker of the House of Commons.

Scottish singing sensation, Susan Boyle, is the bookies’ favourite to become the new Speaker of the House of Commons on June 21st when the Parliamentary Idol competition reaches its excruciating final. In announcing her candidature Boyle said that she hopes to help Parliament deal with its "considerable problems" surrounding blatant and cynical media manipulation. Boyle joins two other hot favourites, Anne Widdecombe and Margaret Beckett, in what has been called the battle of the battleaxes and has turned what was essentially a two horse race into what is essentially a three horse race.

Fillies 1 2 and 3.

Bookies, Simon Cowell Associates, put Boyle at 3:1 favourite to win by a substantial neck.

Celebrity foul-mouth, charity worker, philanthropist, candidate for Speaker of the House of Commons, papal legate and occasional cook, Gordon Ramsay, has said he is mortally offended by having been called a foul-mouthed, bullying, wife-beating, narcissistic, misogynist bastard after having compared the gorgeous Scottish singing sensation, Susan Boyle, to the hideous Australian TV personality, Tracy Grimshaw.

UN health officials have called an emergency meeting to discuss the declaration of the first global sniffle pandemic. The sniffle, which many experts think may mutate into an irritating cough, has so far claimed fewer lives than bungee jumping. The World Health Organisation has condemned what it calls pandemic denial.

I’m sick to death of carrying round a couple of pairs of glasses and having to swap them at inopportune moments, like when replying to texts when I’m driving. So now I’m flush with a couple of hundred quid insurance money I’m going to splash out on a pair of varifocals. I’ve culled a selection from the optician’s website and present them to you for a vote on which are the most stylish and classy – number them from left to right and top to bottom, indicating your preference.

Yes – OK, the bottom right ones (number 8) are old blokey specs, but do they have a certain je ne sais quoi that only old blokes can appreciate. Personally I’m torn between 1, 5 and 6.


  1. 5 are the classiest, and probably less irritating to wear, as the thittle nose thingies(?) can be adjusted to fit, whereas the othere have to teeter ong the brink- sorry bridge- and often slip down...

  2. Be careful buying varifocals - Although I wear them all the time I know many people who find them difficult if not impossible - varifocals make them feel seasick, stairs are a problem and it takes some time to get used to them.

    Richard x x x x

  3. Richard: A salty old seadog like me get seasick? However, I intend to use them mainly for driving, when I need both distance and reading vision.

  4. Chairman, got to go with Richard on this one, I felt sick as a dog when I first tried them and even thought specsavers had got them all wrong. (BTW don't go with SS, they are rubbish). In the end I got so fed up with changing glasses I forced myself to use the vari's and now I'm fine, certainly for driving. However I still have a separate pair for the old pc.

  5. Cots: I guessed it would be impossible to use them for screen work, as you'd have to sit with your head permanently tilted backward. Got no option other than SS, as that's all there is round here.

  6. I like #4 because they look light and kind of fade away. They also look like they'd be easiest to slide down your nose so you can look over the top of them (like I do). I have worn them for years, would never trade them for those damn lined ones.

    ps - Is 'going into administration' the same as bankruptsy? Just curious.

  7. Char: No it's not the same as bankruptsy, but it is the same as bankruptcy.

  8. I find my varifocals are great for the screen, BUT there are 3 different types of varifical lense ranging from expensive to super expensive and the more expensive the less likely it is that it will look like you are looking from inside a goldfish bowl. Takes a good month to get used to them and they have to fit you exactly to work properly (and you have to keep them v clean). Walking down the steps coming off of a Ryan Air flight was certainly a challenge!


  9. Linda: Oh dear; I'm starting to be put off the bloody things. Perhaps I'm better sticking to having my usual bandolier containing a variety of specs.

  10. Hubs wears varifocals and is very happy with them. Couldn't comment on the glasses-options. Which look best on your face? (Although I have to say I don't particularly like no. 5. They will never look good with flares.)

  11. Number five. (but then I'm an old bloke, so my 'cool' gene may have wilted)
    Number one looks ok, but are those what appear to be colour coded red & green arms? Could aid donning if you suffer from alzheimers I suppose, but sort the sides out or you might end up going astern.

  12. My advice would be: Don't go with ay of them. Never give in to anything that indicates old age is setting in. Simply ask people to tell you what is in front of you while driving, walking or tring to read. Don't give in.

  13. LOL (as a gril of a certain age who just bought her first pair of reading glasses...). LOL even more at the Battle of the Battleaxes...

  14. Tut. It's early. I'm not a gril at all (sounds like some kind of old fish...) I meant G-I-R-L...

  15. PS I see Braja found there's a gril that's worth reading!

  16. I've worn varifocals for donkey's years (so has the donkey). They take a bit of getting used to at first but they're considerably better than bifocals. If you can't see your feet going down stairs the optician has got the prescription wrong - take them back, explain and they'll recalculate the prescription and put different lenses in for free.