Thursday, 16 July 2009

Of cars and hair and sealing wax

Note (12/01/10): This post seems to be attracting a lot of attention by readers in Holland and Belgium. Can someone please explain why?

Collected my old car from the garage yesterday. For £350 I had a 2nd hand door fitted and sprayed, a full service and the cam and alternator belts changed – the latter being £150 on its own. The rip-off merchants used by the insurance wanted £1200 just to fix the door. Given I got £900 for it and paid £100 back to the insurance to reclaim it, I’m well up on the deal. Seeing as I know the car intimately, that is has 20k fewer miles on the clock than the newer LPG powered one I bought and has packets more oomph, I’m going to get rid of the LPG car despite it being about 20% cheaper to run. After all, what’s the point of having a large Volvo estate if you’re going to fill half of the carrying capacity with a bloody great LPG tank?

I was checking on the hitcounter stats yesterday and found out someone had alighted on the blog by searching for “brothels leominster hereford”. How the hell that Google search resulted in a hit on my blog is a complete mystery.

Other search gems included:

• alloy wheels stolen in reading Berkshire
• sweden clogs -admin –hasbeens
• jodie marsh zoo 29/05/09
• bubble screen lambretta sx tv
• testiculus danglus

…and several variants of searches on National Beard Week.

You lot are really weird!

Since giving up smoking last October I am no longer in the habit of carrying a Zippo around on my person, which renders me unable to accomplish some basic aural topiary.

When I smoked, once every couple of weeks I would take the Zippo to my ears in order to singe the copious quantities of ear hair I started to sprout since hitting my late forties. As you will appreciate, it was a delicate operation involving cupping my ear in one hand from behind in order to eliminate the potential for setting my Barnett on fire once the ear fuzz went up in flames. Too much ear fuzz and the resulting conflagration could easily turn my ears into pork scratchings, thus frequent singeing was a necessary precaution to prevent too much tinder accumulating in my lug holes.

The curtain of hair from my eyebrows that occasionally threatens to obscure my forward vision is kept in check by occasional strimming with the beard trimmer, but rather than once or twice a year, this now has to be accomplished fortnightly.

Avoidance of suffocation through an excess nasal hair is performed with a neat little electric cutting gizmo which you stuff up your hooter every now and again and give a twirl. However, it’s not very good on ear hair and I need to find a better solution - one that’s as efficient as the lighter. Perhaps the gas / piezo-electric doofrey we use to light the gas cooker hob would do the job. Must give it a try tonight.

Just thought you’d want to know all that.

Had a shave of the neck area when I got home yesterday evening. Given I dry shave the neck can occasionally itch and sting abominably, so I applied some Polo cologne / aftershave, which I’ve had for some 5 years or so (don’t tend to use foo-foo much since my early 40s). It ponged awfully, so to cover the ming I applied another aftershave my elder daughter bought me a year or two ago but have never used. The resulting concoction was rather nasty and Hay commented that I’d better have a shower or else visitors might think she’d had a cheap bloke in her bed.

I see Sophie Dahl is to front a new BBC cookery show next year. Hay wonders why, as she’s renowned for avoiding the stuff like the plague. She used to be a size 16 or 18 model and then slimmed down to a size 6 or 8, yet being 5’ 11” tall. Her actual surname is Holloway, her paternal granddaughter being actor Stanley Holloway. Clearly she thought her maternal grandfather’s name would have more cachet. Her boyfriend is the musical midget munchkin, Jamie Cullum.

We had the TV on as background while Hay was cooking and I was composting today’s blog – suddenly I noticed Seasick Steve on the box doing his thing with his trademark 3 stringed guitar. He’s one of the few interesting musicians.


  1. Sophie Bowl-of-Dahl-nee-Nobody and Midget Man? Weird.....

  2. Uncle Harry must have picked up the habit of setting fire to his hair with his Zippo lighter from you, Bill. Sadly that is how he died.

  3. I had to read this post three times in order to fully take in the ear, eyebrow and nose hair situation! I am in the same boat as you. I seem to have to do this almost daily these days. However, I had never thought of using a zippo lighter! I'll let you know how it works for me!

    Shame about your LPG Volvo. I got the impression performance was the issue. Maybe you would have been happier with it if it really was the model you thought you were buying?

  4. Braja: Indeed.

    Alan: ;O)

    Dave: make sure the Zippo doesn't have any leaks, or you could bark. Woooof!

    As for the car - I wouldn't have minded the 20k more miles on the clock if I could just rely on the thing the same way I could my old car and it had a bit more oomph. The LPG job needs about 30 seconds' notice to speed up. You wouldn't think 500 ccs could make that much diffrence.

  5. That's without doubt the most detailed account of personal grooming I've ever read on a blog. Well done.

  6. So, cremated any good followers lately?
    I have never heard of anyone setting fire to their ear hair, you are indeed a wonderful, crazy and slightly dangerous character Chairman Bill, the world would be a sadder place without you, do take care with that Zippo!

  7. Liz: You've obviously led a sheltered life and not lived it in the fast lane of dangerous personal grooming.

    Marianne: Might try a candle or a lit match.

  8. Ah a zippo , what music to my ears.

    You can light up with me in spirit.

    Seriously , was it very hard giving up?


  9. Jenny: Not at all - I merely migrated to an e-cigar. All the psychological benefits (with the nicotine) and no carcinogens or tar.

  10. What is it with these damned hair follicles?
    Mine having jumped ship mainly from scalp to eyebrows and ears, I was considering combining a 'comb up' and 'comb over'. Though as I realise this would make me look more low brow than cool, I might just try your brilliant Zippo deforestation technique. At least I have a natural firebreak.
    Re' wee Jamie Cullen, from the pic looks like he can keep abreast of matters without too much effort..
    Unfortunately won't be heading over for pending reunion, though have sights set tentatively on the 2011 effort.

  11. George: Try boot polish.

    Shame you won't make Liverpool '09 - I hear we have 600 or so lined up. Liverpool had better watch out.

  12. I am growing healthy looking hairs on my toes and on two of my fingers - Incredible! I may be turning into a female version of Demis Roussos... Ageing is so unfair, Sir, n'est-ce pas?!