Monday, 13 July 2009

Male display activity

Hay wants me to have surgically removed the spray attachment which she’s convinced, by the amount of mopping up and swabbing she has to do in the loo, I must obviously have attached to the end of my willy. Saw this in Malmesbury yesterday. Showed Hay the pic when I got home and said she’d buy one to install in the loo and see if it worked for me in terms of stopping me spraying the entire room whenever I go for a pee.

We were talking about male beard aggression the other day (as opposed to female beard aggression). Hay noticed how as the annual school reunion approaches, or any event at which there will be a reasonably large gathering of men, I tend to allow the hair on my upper cheeks to grow preternaturally long. She’s of the opinion that it’s an intimidatory, alpha-male, silver-back, virility display thing, whereas I explained that it’s a naval tradition – people in the navy who are able to grow hair on their upper cheeks tend to sport just a tuft of hair on each upper cheek.

"Shaving was a custom of the Macedonian military, taken over by Hellenic and Roman society. From then on the beard becomes a philosophical status symbol, a sign of non-conformism." - Peter Sloterdijk, Critique of Cynical Reason.

"A woman with a beard looks like a man. A man without a beard looks like a woman." - Afghan saying.

Ever wondered why almost all men with beards shave their necks? Adam’s apple fencing is why. You can’t engage in a display of Adam’s apple fencing with another male if you have a hairy neck as it hides the feature.

Sunday anxiety - are you a sufferer? If I don’t get up early on a Sunday and do something I get extremely anxious, knowing that I’m going to work on Monday. As far as I’m concerned the weekend is over by 4pm on a Sunday afternoon. Douglas Adams described it perfectly as the long, dark teatime of the soul. Hate it and can’t wait to retire – or at least get a job I actually enjoy doing.

Took Hay’s sister and mother to Coleshill in Wiltshire yesterday. Tried to get a meal at the Radnor Arms there, but was told by the surly girls behind the bar that they were full, despite there being at least 4 empty tables and it being only a quarter to two in the afternoon. In the past I’ve visited the Vine Tree at Norton when the place was closed, but was nonetheless welcomed by the landlord and offered a glass of wine when I accidentally walked in thinking it open. Some places, like the Radnor Arms in Coleshill, simply don’t deserve to succeed if they treat punters like vermin.

On the way to Coleshill I spotted this Mormon church, which looked suspiciously like a mini Tesco – you know the corporate Tesco superstore look; pointy white wooden spire and red brick? The Church of the Latter Day Tesco - hideous.

Saw a headline in one of the Sunday papers saying the police are going to be forced to admit a quota of gypsies (or travelers, as they were described in the headline) into their ranks. How the hell are they going to do that when the buggers don’t stay put in one location longer than a month before being moved on by either the local council or the police themselves? Also I can’t see police superintendents allowing their staff to dump old mattresses, prams and burned out cars on police premises.

I know this story is from the Daily Mail, but apparently 13 doctors are mounting a legal challenge to the verdict of suicide on Dr David Kelly. Excellent news.


  1. From your first paragraph I would gather that you have a "Prince Albert"?

    Richard x x

  2. Richard: I thought PA had just sideburns and a moustache? Do you perhaps mean a Prince Edward? If so, I've never had the patience to grow one, as it requires careful topiary work and the beard to be grown in stages.

  3. You know full well what a "Prince Albert" is - after all you are 11% gay. or see Wikipedia!

    Richard x x

  4. The Pee Post looks as though it might cause even more spray. If your problem is a lack of focus, invest in a funnel...?
    I could swear that is a Tesco... just looking for the sign that says "Every Little Helps"...
    "Traveller" Police Officers? Oh what a sweet and naive concept on which to waste heaps of tax-payers money.
    Re: Hay - with the absence of any useful medical knowledge, all I can say is that I hope she finds the cure that she needs sooner rather than later. Tooth and jaw pain really sucks.

  5. Kabbalah: Suspect it's more to do with the 'shake'.

  6. Box clever on the peeing thing, Mr. Chairman. Before you know it, you will be banished to the back garden when you need a pee. Perhaps Hay doesn't understand that you are just marking your territory?

    As for gyppos in the poice force, you got to be kidding! Can you imagine calling the police and they turn up in a Transit flatbed and offer to tarmac your drive?

    You are right about the Radnor Arms. I have been there before and they do not deserve people's business. Surly is a good word for them.

  7. heeheheh! Please let me know how the pee apparatus works so I can consider investing it for my two boys!!
    Interesting about Kelley. Will follow that news

  8. Dave: That's my excuse.

    Roshni: 2 boys, eh? You must be mopping up constantly.

  9. Oh, Sir, one of our ancient friends has been suckered into one of those local Tesco Churches - She's been to Salt Lake, is giving her tithe, the lot...

    Why is it not seen as the myth-ridden cult that it is? FFS, this is a fairy-tale...

    Sorry for the rant here, but it irritates the fcuk out of me!

  10. Why is it you men can't mop up your own dribble?

    Sorry to see the little Tesco church go up.

  11. Joy: It must be something to do with the genes.