Monday, 18 January 2010

The Middle Class Vote

Happy Birthday Hayley - I love you more with each passing day.

Overheard in the caravan:

Hay: “What kind of dog would you like when we finish the house?"
Chairman: “I’m coming round to the idea of a dog from the animal rescue.”
Hay: “OK, but I don’t want a dog with mental health problems.”
Chairman: “You mean binge lapping and an out-of-control Bonio habit?”

Our Prime Minister, Gordon Broon, has stated that he’s going to target middle class voters in the forthcoming General Election and create more middle class jobs than ever before. Hay and I cogitated on this one and came up with the following Labour Party election manifesto.

  • Using the pensioners’ winter fuel payment model he will make flower-arranging and golf lessons more widely available,
  • Brown will increase the number of Waitrose supermarkets around the country such that no-one live more than 12 miles from one,
  • Cut lilies and pate de foie gras to be a right and not a privilege,
  • He will set up a government funded dinner party help-line, paid for by reducing social security benefits to the poor,
  • Media studies to be compulsory at school for all children,
  • The government will outlaw the disgraceful and discriminatory situation of actually having to own a yacht in order to become a member of a yacht club,
  • Astrologers will be made to improve their forecast accuracy to a minimum government standard,
  • Compulsory neutering of benefit cheats and spongers,
  • All supermarket fruit and veg will be guaranteed to look perfect, no matter the wastage,
  • A programme will be initiated for the wholesale demolition of slums, like Birmingham, Liverpool and Newcastle,
  • Islington to be linked to Jersey and become an off-shore tax haven,
  • The introduction of a 4x4 and MPV scrappage scheme for all MPVs and 4x4s over 2 years old,
  • 7 x 24 opening for all M&S stores,
  • Free after-school Mandarin, violin and public speaking lessons for under 10s,
  • Reiki master-classes, Feng Shui sessions and flower arranging classes to be tax deductable,
  • Alternative therapies such as magnetic bracelets, aromatherapy and yogalates to be provided on the National Health Service (I must admit I thought yogalates was a piss-take, but Hay assured me it exists),
  • The government will guarantee your right to have it all without making a single sacrifice,
  • A guaranteed 60 minutes a day of ‘me time’ for all women,
  • State subsidised Clive Christian kitchens,
  • All children of poor people to be sent to work at age 10.

On Saturday evening we went out to dinner at the Upton Inn at Upton Cheyney and ended up getting caught up in The 2010 Great Fire of Upton Cheyney. We were chatting away waiting for the first course when we noticed a lot of people migrating from the main room toward the bar area. This coincided with a marked increase in the smell of wood smoke which permeates the whole place. A few minutes later one of the bar staff went past carrying a jug of water, which he replenished several times. About five minutes further into the evening we heard the sound of sirens and the manager came to our table to tell us that if the building had to be evacuated then we should repair to the car park. It transpired that the chimney had caught fire. The place now smells even more of wood smoke than it did before. The place is highly recommended; a three course meal for two with two bottles of wine and tip was £80. Have a look at their Facebook page for details.


  1. When Brown says "target" I think he means something different...

    I read that your dinner venue serves "Ch. Musar", a favourite of mine, its a really unique (serious) wine from Lebanon and a real steal for the 97 at £28; that price isn't far off retail! nom, nom, nom..

  2. Steve: If you think I'm about to drink wine at £28 a bottle you have another think coming!

  3. Perhaps you could add to your middle class manifesto :
    " The imposition of maximum prices on fine wines and minimum prices on lager and alcopops"

  4. CB, Well yes I see your point, in its defence it was less than a tenner when released 12 years ago though..

    Alan, hear, hear!

  5. Sounds pretty much What the black fella over here has already implemented !

    Re the Fire: I see you exercised the old school motto.. "quit ye like men, be Strong" and didn't make any rush to leave food, beer and warmth of building even with the imminent danger of the building destroying its self ! Having thought about that my guess is you were simply extending the time with the hope that if things got bad you could do a runner on the bill and in the confusion no one would notice their loss.


  6. Alan: I would never agree to the imposition of a minimum price on anything, except perhaps milk.

    Steve: That's not too bad then.

    Phil: You know me too well. We were well trained.