Wednesday, 11 May 2011

Aged Pockets of Power Language

The Age of Education

People with fewer qualifications are prone to age more quickly, a study which looked at 400 men and women says.

I suspect this has more to do with the fact that people who are less well educated simply can’t subtract their date of birth from the current date and always get it wrong, invariably ending up adding 20 odd years to their real age.

Pocket Rage

I’m certain that pockets in trousers are now being designed by people with low-functioning autism - or women - as it’s obvious that whoever designs them doesn’t have the vaguest concept of their purpose.

Pockets are mystical objects meant to contain men’s jangly bits – and by that I mean keys, coins, pens, wallets, cigarettes, lighters, mobile phones, contraceptives, knuckle dusters, etc – all the usual pack-pony stuff. They are not, repeat NOT meant to simultaneously deposit all these items on your car seat or settee within a nanosecond of sitting down.

It’s not even as if you can easily pick the jangly bits up again – the items are inexplicably attracted by the strong nuclear force to the event horizon of the gap between the car seat and transmission tunnel, or the hyperspatial, abyssal, spring-loaded folds of the back of the settee, from whence they are doomed never to be retrieved - except possibly by a small child belonging to a chimney sweep and capable of dimensional translocation through spacetime using nothing but the power of thought.

Women don’t use pockets and thus seem to think them merely decorative – bloody idiots! Pockets should be designed by 85 year-old men; deep, voluminous and only attached to the trouser at the very top so as to allow maximum torsion and hence retention when sitting.

Pointless Language

Don’t you find that all this spurious language used in American-style coffee shops is totally fatuous and pointless? I spend half my time asking if anyone can translate.

Coffee comes as either black or white, possibly with froth on top or as an espresso. Sometimes, if you’re lucky, it can come as large or small, not the myriad sizes offered, none of which you can understand anyway.

Also, when you hear them spouting about the way they aid the local community and use only sustainably mined, Fairtrade polystyrene in their cups, do you just want to tell them to just SHUT IT! as you know it's a cynical marketing ploy.


Doctors are worried about the increasing number of ‘legal highs’ available, the most dangerous of which is one called Power and is used predominantly by members of governments.

Power gives members of governments such a tremendous high that they seem to think they can do anything whatsoever without fear of repurcussions.


  1. I have always been a bit down on trouser pockets ever since some hearing aid batteries I was carrying shorted and ignited the fabric of my pants whilst I was negotiating a tricky roundabout in Brighouse. I am a great believer in manbags myself.

  2. I suspect that the reason people with qualifications live longer than others is the same as why my best shoes always last longer than my walking boots - they don't do half as much work.

  3. Get a nice purse belt and stop whinging, Mr Chairman.

  4. Haven't been able to replay all day. Something was wrong with Blogger.

    Alan: Suddenly you're AB (I was Philip earlier today).

    John: Possibly, but the stress is greater in learned people.

    Scarlet: You must be joking.