Immigrant Biscuit Bowel Banks

Had cause to nip down to Screwfix yesterday and came away with one of their catalogues. While leafing through I alighted on a tool called a biscuit jointer. I haven't the vaguest idea what it does, but I'm curiously attracted to buying one.

Bowel cancer screening test came back negative, so that's a relief. I say a relief, but before I got the letter about the test I'd never worried about bowel cancer anyway. It was the test that got me scared!

Right - here's my immigration policy:

1. If you're in any way religious, you must convert to a religion acceptable to the British. Some wishy-washy form of Protestantism is preferred - the ones where they're not really sure if God even exists and have more than a few doubts about Jesus. Certainly one that's not a threat to society. Buddhism is fine, atheism is preferred.
2. You can't live in ethnic ghettos where you'll be cooking all manner of filthy, foreign muck and doing strange things which make Brits uncomfortable, like working hard - you have to assimilate ASAP. Resistance is futile.
3. You have to dress like the average Brit. Depending on age and social class, that can be jogging pants, Hipster or comedy toff like Nigel Farage. The fact Brits never conformed to the dress code of your country when it was forcibly taken over by them is immaterial.
4. Absolutely no Scots or Welsh if they decide to go independent. Actually, no Scots or Welsh, period.

HSBC is threatening to move its head office out of the UK. Perhaps they should set up in Afghanistan, or Uganda - their economies are virtually immune to further destruction. If we allow banks to use the threats of an exit to dictate government policy on bank regulation and taxation, perhaps we should just kick the buggers out anyway. They were the cause of the global crash, after all (except if you're a Conservative, in which case it was solely down to Labour).