Friday, 22 April 2011

British Porn Packages Mean Easter Benefits


Real Meaning of Easter


It would appear that not many are aware of the real meaning of Easter. Incredulously enough, some apparently link it with the death and supposed (and impossible - according to the laws of physics) resurrection of a 1st century Jew who wanted nothing other than to bring the Jews back to true Judaism - and was by all accounts some kind of proto-hippy, high on ecstasy and loving everyone in sight.

The true meaning of Easter, or Eostre (from whence we get oestrogen) is a celebration of the fruitful rebirth of nature following the long winter months.



Porn

Apparently 8 out of 10 men regularly look at internet porn and are worried about it.

Chairman Bill is convinced the remaining 2 don’t look at it because they’re not internet enabled - and secondly, what the 8 are worried about is being caught by the mem-sahib.



Attractive Package

Not sure about you, but the Chairman has noticed that job adverts are increasingly being advertised with an ‘attractive package’.

Hayley maintains these adverts are for those with deep-seated and unresolved self-esteem issues and assures the Chairman that he already has an attractive package.

Package decoration


Britishness Defined

The Chairman has finally determined what it means to be British; to be 1 inch taller (on average) than a Frenchman – and 4 inches shorter than the average Dutchman.

The Chairman is kind of in between, having both English and Dutch genes. He can look down on the average Brit and even further down on the average Frenchman. This is reminiscent of a comedy sketch with John Cleese, Ronnie Corbett and Roy Kinnear.


Cameron Admits He’s Crap at His Job

David Cameron has said that Daily Mail readers will be upset and ever so slightly apoplectic that a small minority of people are on incapacity benefits due to obesity and addictions.

Well, rather than bleating about this state of affairs, why the hell has he done sod all about it? Good grief, the bugger has been in office for a year already. I suppose he’s going to blame that one on the last Labour government too.

Oh, hang on - he has blamed them, despite addictions being very complex and not necessarily resolved by the simple application of a bit of self-righteousness.



2 comments:

  1. Can the Chairman kindly explain how on earth people manage to finance their addictions and obesity on the miserly benefits on which they are supposed to live?
    Furthermore why is the government getting so worked up about people who don't want to work when they can't even create jobs for people who would love to earn their keep?

    ReplyDelete
  2. John: You raise some excellent points.

    I agree it's a disgraceful situation about benefits and addictions. Benefits should be set at the minimum level of one Big Mac and a couple of snorts of cocaine a day.

    As for jobs - I know lots of people who (for reasons best known to themselves) are more than happy to work for local government, yet Cameron is laying them all off.

    ReplyDelete