Saturday, 2 April 2011

Psychic Cyclists Take Liberties with History

Oxfordshire Police Psychic

Since the speed cameras in Oxfordshire were switched off, police in Oxfordshire maintain speeding has increased fourfold, which was the reason for switching them back on again yesterday.

“If the cameras were switched off, how do they know speeding increased?” asked a puzzled Chairman Bill.

Watching Fat Birds Exercising is Not Entertainment

Last night, Chairman Bill was almost assailed by a TV program showing Clare Balding cycling around a 23 mile course.

Admittedly the course included some beautiful countryside, but watching some fat bird exercising is not exactly entertainment.

Watching Nicole Kidman exercising, however, is entertainment and the BBC should take note.

Left: Not entertainment - Right: Entertainment

“Ridley Scott Takes Liberties with History,” Says Chairman Bill

Upset at the BBC’s attempt at entertainment, Chairman Bill decided to watch Robin Hood, a DVD that had been bought for his birthday.

The opening sequence set the scene as ‘the turn of the 12th century’, which in the Chairman’s lexicon means the start of the 1100s, which is some 100 years too early for the story of Robin Hood, which is actually set in the early 1200s, or ‘the turn of the 13th century’. This did not bode well, but it got worse.

Robin Crowe proceeded to return from the crusades passing himself off as an English noble. English nobles were Norman and spoke French - a language with which the average Saxon peasant (as Russell Hood was portrayed) would only have a nodding acquaintance, not even to schoolboy standard and the accent would have been hideous anyway, monsewer.

With the Chairman harrumphing audibly, Ridley Scott then proceeded to tell us that Robin Hood’s father, an artisan stonemason (in the film) and in that case probably illiterate, was the architect of Magna Carta, an idea so preposterous as to be on a par with ‘World War Two Bomber Found on the Moon’. Hood’s dad was shown as some left wing, working class, intellectual, Marxist revolutionary.

Scott then continued to mangle history by showing Philip II of France attempting to invade England.

While the story of Robin Hood is the stuff of myth and legend, there is nonetheless a tradition and canon. Scott’s interpretation took more liberties than a Middle East dictator. He must have been short of a few bob to get involved in this travesty. In true Hollywood fashion, historical fact (where pertinent) was not allowed to get in the way of a good story (or in this case a terrible story).

This DVD will never be watched by me again, thus it's destined for eBay today.

History, but not as we know it Ridley.


  1. Whilst I wouldn't necessarily describe Clare Balding as fat, I have to agree that the sight of her ample calves pumping those pedals wasn't the nicest thing I have seen on television. My husband turned it off in favour of watching a dire film called 'Doom'.

    My husband has many films on DVD, including the Robin Hood one you refer to. He really likes it. Whilst I admire the attempt at a new take on an old legend, I'd sooner not have to watch it again (hubby has already inflicted it on me twice). Russell Crowe's variable accent is the thing that annoys me most. I thought Cate Blanchet was good in it though, and Mark Addy and the bloke cast as King John is hilarious. Maybe we are supposed to treat it as a comedy?

  2. Liz: Yes, Hay mentioned the accent seemed to hover between Ireland, Wales and England.

    Kate Blanchet riding into the final battle dressed in her finest was a laughable moment (as if), although her acting was fine.

  3. Did you heard what Rob Matts said about that?

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