Monday, 11 April 2011

Royal Firm in Daily Mail Rampage Auction


Nepotism Rife in Royal ‘Firm’

When Nick Clegg was saying kids shouldn’t get a leg up into their first job from their parents, did he perhaps have Prince William in mind?

Although in William’s case he will also get a leg up from his dad into his last job.


Oh to be a Daily Mail Headline Writer

Chairman Bill has revealed a secret urge to be a Daily Mail headline writer. “Just imagine the sheer glee they must derive from creating headlines that get Daily Mail readers all lathered up,” said the iconic layabout.

It is easy to see what he means – Saturday’s was a corker – ‘Who let Moondogg the Rapper Guard Sub?’

It is likely that Daily Mail readers think the British Royal Navy recruits its ratings from posh grammar schools and that they are second sons of second sons of the nobility.

Turn your mind back a century or two and the RN ratings were the sweepings of dockside life – hale and hearty, tough as nails, bordering on criminal (if not actually fleeing the law), pressed into service and certainly not paragons of virtue. Things have not changed that dramatically in the intervening period, although it helps if you can read, write and do some basic sums.

Mental stability is not something often associated with people who are institutionalised from an early age, as sailors are (which explains The Chairman’s mental state) - and being trained killers doesn’t help either.


Drug-Crazed Pornographer in Dutch Mall Rampage – Are You Safe?

Don’t worry, the Chairman was just practicing writing for the Daily Mail.


Chairman’s Son Attempts Endurance Record

It was the Chairman’s No.1 son’s 13th birthday on Saturday. In their wisdom, his maternal grandparents bought him a PS3.

He’s been in his room, killing dozens of virtually real people since then and his only breaks have been for sleeping. A wonderful sense of peace has descended on the caravan – best present ever.


eBay Infested With Plonkers, Claims Chairman Bill

Chairman Bill wonders why people advertise cars on eBay auctions, but then go and put reserve prices on them that are way above the market value.

IF YOU WANT A CERTAIN PRICE FOR YOUR CAR, LIST IT AS A CLASSIFIED ADVERT AND NOT A BLOODY AUCTION, YOU PLONKER!

The reserve auction price is the absolute minimum you’ll part with the car for, not the maximum, and should be lower than the average market price.


5 comments:

  1. Please tell me they let the grammar school boys look after the reactor... don't they?

    As for the Royals, they just lucked out that their ancestors were the biggest bandits in the bear pit, the French had the right idea if you ask me.

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  2. Ambivilant, really. When its' so hard to get any job or any experience, why shouldn't other people help you? How else are you going to get there? Agree with the notion that genuine talent is disappearing tho'.

    Always wanted to write the headlines for the Sun. "No Poofs in the Pulpit!", was always my favourite (from the mid-eighties) xx

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  3. That last piece sounds like a letter to the Daily Mail. Are you sure you haven't been recruited by them?

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  4. Knew there was a reason I avoided Dutch malls.

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  5. Given that we 'met' via your advert on e-bay for your former abode, the barge, I am slightly startled that you are still haunting its portals! Glad to hear peace reigns at the caravan courtesy of the PS3, and thanks for your kind words recently when I was up for an interview at the NHS - I didn't get the post, but as the French would have it, 'Tant pis!'

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