Friday, 29 April 2011

Moving Ordeal Added to Disability Snub

Chairman ‘Moved’

Chairman Bill is incredibly moved by the affection shown to him by his adoring public. He just wants to make that clear, despite them all being glued to the TV today.

British Can’t Add Up

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 ...
Now add30 .. Add another 1000 . .. Now add 20 ....
Now add another 1000. Now add 10 ... What is the total?

Did you get 5000? I’ll bet most of you did.

The correct answer is actually 4100.

Do it on a calculator and you’ll see.

Disability Benefits Linked to Robust Health

Disability benefits scrutinisers have discovered that the majority of people on disability benefits are actually among the most healthy people in the country.

Chairman Bill therefore proposes that the NHS uses disability benefit as a therapy for those who are in ill health to return them to full fitness.

Snub For Former PMs

The excuse trotted out by Buck House for not inviting Brown and Blair to the wedding is that they are not Knights of the Garter, whereas all of the former PMs at Charles’ wedding to Diana were KGs.

A modicum of research will show that while the wedding was in ’81, Sunny Jim Callaghan was not made a KG till ’87. That’s that argument blown out of the water then.

Seems it’s OK if you are a dictator or thug though.

The Ordeal

Chairman Bill went through The Ordeal yesterday – you know the one – a haircut at a ladies’ hairdresser.

Hayley has always criticised the cut I receive at my normal gents’ barber surgeon, so yesterday I took her along to the local ladies’ emporium so she could tell the hairdresser exactly what was needed.

On arrival the place was empty. I enquired as to whether there was any chance of an immediate appointment for a haircut. The two fat girls on the reception desk took a full five minutes to fit me into an empty schedule before I was sat in a seat.

Another five minutes went by, during which I was proffered two copies of Golf Monthly. Now I couldn’t look more different from a golfer if I tried; I don’t wear pastel coloured jumpers or gingham trousers for a start.

All the while, girls were running around doing bugger all to no-one in particular – as I said, I was the only customer in the place.

I was then taken to have my hair washed, despite me protesting that I wash it every day in the shower – it was tantamount to telling me I was a street dosser and I stank. Not only that, but the girl washed my hair twice, thus ensuring that when dry it would look like a Van Der Graaf generator experiment.

Then she rubbed some gunk into it to make it all greasy again, thus defeating the purpose of washing my hair in the first place.

I was then swathed in towels and voluminous ladies’ things, offered a coffee (which I politely refused) and asked how I want it. I told the hairdresser to speak to Hayley, as she was the boss. Hayley then duly protested that it was my hair and I should call the shots – with me knowing full well that it one snip went awry, then I’d be the one to get it in the neck.

The end result was that instead of paying my usual £10 (including £2 tip), I was charged the exorbitant sum of £20.50.

Next time it’s the barber surgeon for me – a 5 minute wait in a queue with a bunch of baldies requiring nothing more complicated than an all-over No. 1 and no damned-fool questions about where I’m holidaying this year.


  1. But did your hair look any different than usual?? Details, details, details... and perhaps a pic?

    P.S I find it physically impossible to do maths without a calculator - hence my sums are usually correct.

  2. Scarlet, old girl, it's the same as top right, but a tad shorter.

  3. Less of the OLD!!

    ...or are we all supposed to talk with a posh affectation today?

  4. But Marilyn would be 85 if whe were alive today.

  5. Both the GLW and myself have a woman who comes to the house and does for the pair of us.
    (The above comment is in response to the hairdressing story)
    Tried that maths problem a couple of times and kep getting 5,100 which is worrying.

  6. Alan: Hay also says she'll do for me, but when she says it it sounds more like a threat than an offer to perform domestic service.

  7. Alan: Just had a thought - given you are getting 5,100, how will you fare with putting numbered votes on your voting slips?

  8. As you always put a smile on my face I'm passing on this award to you... I know it won't make you rich or famous but I hope it will put a smile on your face, Mr Bill