Thursday, 28 April 2011

Trumping Everest's Sartorial Growth

Prince Harry to Become Double Glazing Salesman

Keen to out do his elder brother’s initiative to ingratiate himself with the hoi polloi by marrying a commoner, Prince Harry has announced his desire to do Everest.

The well known double glazing company maintains it has had no official approach from Buckingham Palace in respect of this, but would obviously welcome Prince Harry into its team and would be prepared to offer Mrs Queen a nice deal on its Dual Turn energy saving windows.

They added that given Prince Harry’s connections, an interview would not be necessary and they would offer him an immediate internship.

Chairman Desperate to Know What Kate Will be Wearing

Along with many millions of men around the country, Chairman Bill will be eagerly watching to see what Kate Middleton will be wearing on her wedding day.

Bill suspects it will be a hideous, big, white, frothy, meringue thing in some unpronounceable material (gabardine?) that looks like it was hacked from the back of a sheep and designed by someone working for a French sounding firm in Greenwich.

Kate’s shoes will be of particular interest to Bill, as he’s convinced they will have soles and heels.

The Queen will also come under Bill’s sartorial scrutiny and he confidently predicts she’ll wear some form of coat and a hat – or possibly a pac-a-mac and headscarf if it’s raining.

UK Economy Grows by £0.03

It has been reported that the UK economy has grown by 0.5%.

The government is wary of transforming the percentage growth into real numbers, as 0.5% of bugger all is still bugger all. However, our economics correspondent maintains this translates to 3 pence in new money.

Of course, this is offset by a 4% inflation rate.

Why Doesn’t Donald Trump Just Shut Up?

Donald Trump, the man whose hair keeps threatening to run away from him and with the largest comb-over in history, has claimed the credit for clearing up the issue of whether Obama is American by birth.

The problem is that Trump was the only person in the world who didn’t believe Obama is American and can thus claim only to have resolved a figment of his own imagination.

Rumour has it that Trump was born in a parallel universe.


  1. We had a chap from Everest come and give us an estimate for a new window last week and you could have bought Buckingham Palace for the figure he was quoting.

  2. Alan: He wasn't wearing a Hitler outfit and called Harry, was he.