Tuesday, 17 January 2017

Man Looking


Yesterday a friend made a Facebook post regarding having to remonstrate with her husband about his inability to find things that are right in front of his face.

This masculine act of searching is termed 'Man Looking' by Hay and is a form of divination somewhat akin to dowsing, which only those carrying a Y chromosome are capable of performing. It comprises a mystical waving of the right hand in the general direction of where the missing object was last seen, waiting a few seconds to tune into the universe and uttering the incantation; "I'm sure I put it here." If there's no vibration or 'resonance' (as we men call it) felt in said hand then the diagnosis of 'missing object' is immediately confirmed. During this mystical rite, the womenfolk murmur encouraging phrases such as; "I can see it from here," or "it's staring you in the face."

Further investigation is deemed totally unnecessary, as actually looking or moving objects to uncover the missing item is forbidden by ancient tradition. Added to that, we just know it's not there. Confirmation of something missing is usually followed by the male laying an accusation before the feet of their spouse that whatever it is that's missing has undeniably been moved by the spouse.

Placed in this invidious position of imminent exposure, women then resort to trickery and sleight of hand, seemingly rematerialising  the missing object in a miraculous manner such that it's in plain view, subsequently drawing their husband's attention to it with a smirk of sarcastic triumph on their lips. We men never fall for this trick.


Objects that tend to disappear into the interstices of spacetime are keys, wallets, spectacles, letters and screwdrivers. The frequency of these items disappearing seems to increase with one's age. It can be possible for a man in his 80s to be totally unable to find anything whatsoever in his own house due to his mem-sahib succumbing to the female compunction to simply move things all the time.


4 comments:

  1. Blimey! That's just like our house. The items that are not lost, just unfindable, are always his (aged 77) and have been shifted deliberately by me.

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  2. I always blame the faeries when things go missing by saying "Give it back you little fcukers" and within seconds the article is returned to the place where I had recently sat.

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  3. It may be conforming that not only aged men suffer this disorder. My younger sister claims there are black holes where the missing object temporarily disappear to. Actually that's the only belief I can worship.

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