Thursday, 1 April 2010


UK business leaders say tough choices are needed – take money away from them in the from of higher National Insurance to help pay for the national debt, or don’t take money from them. Surprisingly, and totally counter-intuitively, 20 of them have nailed their colours to the Tory political mast and say ‘stuff the national debt’ and have gone for profits.

Had this comment come from 20 leading economists (not that I think that predictions made by economists are any more accurate than the 30 day weather forecast), I may have given it some credence, but business leaders do have somewhat vested interests.

Today I want to talk in depth about that heinous class of drugs I mentioned yesterday, the amfootiemines.

Amfootiemine users experience massive mood swing over a period of about 90 minutes, usually on Saturdays. Habitual users can become aggressive if the amfootiemines are mixed with alcohol; they lose their higher brain functions and get insatiable cravings for kebabs.

Long term users are overcome with a desire to wear incredibly unfashionable nylon shirts in garish colours, cheap trainers and ill-fitting jeans. They invariably also suffer from shaven heads, distended bellies and vocal distortions resembling chanting – usually along the lines of, “’Ere we go, ‘ere we go, ‘ere we go.”

Long term use can also affect the ability to make friends outside one’s local town and relationships with family and work colleagues can suffer. Addicts usually only associate with fellow addicts wearing similar coloured nylon shirts and have a desire to analyse their highs and lows to the Nth degree in language which is incomprehensible to non-users.

I’m sure you will agree with me that amfootiemines are a public danger to life and limb and the political parties should make an immediate election pledge to ban them.

Having done the economy to death, the political parties in the UK have moved on to immigration.

Blasted foreigners. They come here and take over our neighbourhoods / jobs / hospitals / schools (replace according to your preference).

It’s a fact that immigration affects hardly anyone in the UK. The media stokes up irrational fears of foreigners and their disgusting foreign ways, lambasting them for having the temerity to be, well, different and hard working.

Do you know of anyone who lost a job to an immigrant? I do know quite a few Brits who wouldn’t touch the kind of jobs immigrants are prepared to do, despite these immigrants being well over qualified for those jobs.

The kind of people who rail against immigrants taking our jobs are the ones who can’t be bothered to get off their arses and find a job in the first place, or are so unreliable as to be incapable of holding down a job for more than a nanosecond.

Has a bunch of foreigners taken over your village mosque? Of course not!

Has your local farmers’ souk suddenly started selling organic cheese and turnips? How ridiculous!

Has your town madrassa been infiltrated by Christian fundamentalists? As if!

All these illegal immigrants sitting in outside cafes, drinking coffee and reading intellectual newspapers. Disgusting; they should integrate by stumbling around drunk and pissing against walls like the rest of we Brits.


  1. The thing that scares me about the amfootiemines are the long term mood swings which impact the users from week to week.
    And strange that where many amfootiemine users pissing against the wall on the way home would have an issue with immigrants stealing their jobs, they don't seem to mind contributing to paying them multi-million salaries to provide them with their weekly fix...

  2. Can't say I've ever seen a better description of amfootiemines anywhere else. Strangely, I also recognise how fitting a description it is of my ex-son-in-law!

    I also must thank you for showing me the correct wording for their war cry. I, for some long-forgotten reason, always thought that it was to do with some outlandish insect race for those who couldn't afford a horse or dog. "Earwig Go! Earwig Go! Earwig Go!"