Thursday, 8 April 2010

Crusade - The Musical

A nurse moved to a desk job after refusing to remove her crucifix at work has lost a discrimination claim against her employers. Shirley Chaplin, from Exeter, had argued the cross "ban" prevented her from expressing her religious beliefs.

Hellfire Smith, The Arch-Inquisitor of the Church of The Hardline Ten Commandments, said: “Shirley is a heretic and needs to be burned at the stake for wearing a graven image, which is in direct contravention of the Second Commandment, being second only to the First Commandment, but more important that the Third or subsequent Commandments.”

He continued: “And the bezan shall be huge and black, and the eyes thereof red with the blood of living creatures, and the whore of Babylon shall ride forth on a three-headed serpent, and throughout the lands, there will be a great rubbing of parts.”

Shirley hit back with the assertion that all Muslims should be treated the same as her and forcibly have their hijabs removed.

The Health & Safety Executive pointed out that her crucifix – a miniature representation of an instrument of torture- presented a safety hazard to patients in that it could scratch them and introduce MRSA – or even worse, a severe case of religious fundamentalism. Besides, they’d never heard of someone being stabbed to death with a hijab (they are not generally weapons of choice, except by practitioners of Thuggee, who were eradicated by the forces of Godly and Christian Britain in the 1830s and are not thought to be resurgent in the National Health Service - yet).

The Pope waded into the argument by suggesting a holy war against Moslems be started and millions of people be slaughtered in the name of a perfectly merciful God. He stated there was a precedent on this from everal of his infallible predecessors and thus it was a matter of dogma and he was going to pen an encyclical about it and possibly put it to music. - Andrew Lloyd Webber has expressed an interest The Archbish of Cadbury commented that at least it would divert attention from the Pope’s current woes.

Not to be outdone, Grand Ayatollah Cardiff pronounced a fatwa against Shirley for being anti-Muslim and a woman. He added that in any case the testimony of a woman is of no value.

Peter Tatchell responded by saying he was offended by Shirley’s openly professed homophobia, as evidenced by her blatant Christianity. He then attempted to perform a citizen’s arrest on the Pope.

One lone, entirely logical and rational person suggested Shirley’s commitment to her faith be tested by getting her to recite the Nicene creed in the tribunal without a prompt, as that single act, more than any wearing of a cross, would test whether she was indeed a devout Christian or just making mischief for the sake of an item of jewellery to which she’d become attached.


  1. Cripes, I didn't realise nurse to patient contact was quite so intimate. I hope she doesn't have fingernails. Or will they all be pulled out as she recites the Nicene creed?

  2. I say bring back the good old days when you had to prove your faith by sticking your head in a fire or enduring a spell in the iron maiden; this would be the Christian thing to do surely?

  3. Kabbalah: I think it's csomething to do with patients grabbing nurses. Used to do it a lot in my youth.

    Steve: Indubitably.