Putting The Boot In

The other day I had occasion to visit the local farmers’ emporium to obtain a new drive belt for the lawnmower. This place is a man’s heaven, being stacked to the rafters with all kinds of tool and machinery – machinery whose use you haven’t an inkling about, but just feel you’re going to need at some time in the future. I was nearly overcome by an irresistible urge to purchase half a dozen humungous shackles, convinced I would have a use for them before I die.

I spotted the items below on a display of work boots:


They are a couple of pairs (although strictly speaking one of a pair of each) of steel toe-capped trainers.

Why on earth would anyone want to train in trainers that feel as if they are made of osmium (much heavier than lead)? While I’m at it, why would anyone want a work boot that looks like a trainer? I can’t think of anything more incongruous, except perhaps Paris Hilton on University Challenge.

I hear that the tourists who have been repatriated following a week of being stuck at airports in all kinds of exotic locations are desperate to be returned to those exotic locations. Apparently they were unaware an election was taking place. Had they known then they wouldn’t have come back, or at least have arranged for a one-way ticket to a euthanasia parlour in Switzerland.

Why do people put these political signs showing which party they support in their front gardens? As if I care what my neighbour votes! His espousal of the BNP certainly isn’t going to influence my decision. They make the place look untidy. Some of them are easily confused with estate agents’ for sale signs.

There’s a rumour that Nick Griffin of the BNP has offered to go into a coalition with Darth Benedict XVI (have you noticed how he looks eerily like Darth Sidious), but I think it’s a political slur as the BNP can’t surely be as far-right as the Magisterium.

I’ve just had an idea that should both save money and ensure tax money goes to where it should in terms of benefits. Firstly make child benefit means tested – let’s use a figure of a combined family income of £15k p.a. – they are the people who really need it. Next we issue mothers to whom the benefit applies a debit card, which is the only way in which they can claim the benefit. The card is linked to only certain items, such as children’s clothing, food, etc. The card account is automatically charged up on a weekly basis with the benefit payment, cannot be used to draw cash and cannot be used if there is a zero balance in the account. Shops already collect data on the items one purchases when using plastic, and the data can be sent along with the financial transaction through the point of sale system to the government ‘bank’. Any items that the mother attempts to purchase that are not on the accepted list of child purchases have the transaction refused. Comments?

Here, for your edification, is the political manifesto of the Official Monster Raving Loony Party (I have corrected the spelling mistakes):

1. Health & Safety: We propose to ban Self Responsibility on the grounds that it may be dangerous to your health.

2. MPs’ Expenses: We propose that instead of a second home allowance MPs will have a caravan which will be parked outside the Houses of Parliament. This will make it easier as flipping a caravan is easier than flipping homes.

3. Eurofit: The European Constitution which will be sorted out by going for a long Walk. "As everyone knows that walking is good for the constitution".

4. The speaker in the House of Commons will be replaced by the latest audio equipment.

5. To help the Israel/Palestinian Problem, we will get rid of the old road map, and replace it with a new sat nav instead.

6. European Union: It is proposed that the European Union end its discrimination by creating a "Court of Human Lefts" because their present policy is one-sided.

7. Education: We will increase the number of Women teachers throughout the education System as we are strong believers of 'Female Intuition'.

8. Immigration and Population: I propose that we cap the population of this country. We have too many people for such a small country, so we will Cap the number of people residing here at present rates (approximately 63 million, give or take 10 mill ) on the basis of one out, one in (excluding Births).

Regarding Immigration... Any Person who can prove that they or their descendants emigrated to the U.K before 55 A.D can stay. All the others will be repatriated to their original country. (Well we have to draw the line somewhere).

9. We will ban all forms of Greyhound racing. This will help stop the country going to the dogs.

10. Afghanistan, Iraq and the War on terror. There’s is nothing funny about this. However, as we have not found any Taliban terrorists in Derbyshire. Our Soldiers can all come home now.