Saturday, 27 March 2010

Collectible Spoons of the Third Reich

In a surprise move Camelot has been sold to a Canadian company for £389m. Kraft, which currently owns Camelot through its ownership of Cadbury, is thought to be making this move so as to stick two fingers up to the UK by purchasing its 5th Century post-Roman heritage. As far as we know, the Round Table is to remain in England, but Excalibur may well be part of the deal.

Seeing the financial benefits of this move in swelling Kraft’s coffers, pundits maintain the government will shortly be selling off Stonehenge and Merseyside to a consortium of Japanese interests. They are rumoured to want to tow Merseyside to the Far East and position it off Okinawa as a sushi theme park. Naturally, the locals would all be exterminated first.

The problem of what to do about Greece’s debts has been solved by the Eurozone members at a Brussels summit – Greece will be donated to the Haitians as an act of charity (to all Eurozone members). Well, either that or Turkey will be invited to invade Greece.

Following from a Lloyd’s pharmacist refusing to hand over a customer’s contraceptive pills because the pharmacist is a Roman Catholic, pharmacists across the UK have been told they can continue to refuse to prescribe items that might clash with their personal religious beliefs. Pharmacists who are Christian Scientists will be free to deny their customers any medication whatsoever; Rastafarians will be able to simply ignore customers and continue smoking ganja while listening to reggae on their earphones; Jehova’s Witnesses will be free to deny you anything unless you accept a copy of The Watchtower and allow them to harangue you for an hour in a debate about how many angels can dance on the head of a pin and members of Celtic tribal cults in Scotland will be free to offer sticking plasters with which to affix a parecetamol tablet to your forehead for cases of headache.

Researchers have discovered that one in four boys can’t spell their own name by the age of five. Teacher, Radovan Zrbpastznwcz from Coventry, can’t think why this should be.

Need a present for a loved one? Why not buy your special person ‘Collectible Spoons of the Third Reich’, a beautifully illustrated book for the connoisseur spoon collector with a penchant for Nazi memorabilia.

1 comment:

  1. In my experience JW's tend to blather on about intelligent design whilst selectively ignoring the actual evidence for evolution, when you point this out they tend to put their fingers in their ears and shout la la la. It's a religious tradition in our house to chase them out brandishing a couple of ammonites.