Monday, 15 March 2010

Grassing Up a Pack of Drink Drivers

After successfully managing to persuade me to send my mother a bunch of flowers a week early by misinforming me about the date of Mothers’ Day, Hay has successfully managed to compound the error by arranging a bunch of flowers for her own mother to arrive next weekend. Seems she has problems with calendars.

I keep seeing adverts on TV saying that British Gas is reducing its prices. That’s nice of them, what with summer coming and all that. I guess they’ll put them up again in time for next winter.

400 lawnmowers have been stolen from a lorry in Gloucestershire. Police are hoping someone will grass up the thieves. OK, I just couldn’t resist, but the story is true.

The UK government is considering reducing the drink-drive limit to 50mg of alcohol. It is suggested it would save 65 deaths a year and save the economy £120m. I wonder what the knock-on loss to the drinks, pub and restaurant industries would be, not to say the decrease in tax revenue? I’d hazard a guess at twice the saving, as is usual in these circumstances. In the drive to eliminate all risk from everything, we’re gradually being turned into a nation of soulless automatons.

Aligned to the above, Professor David Nutt, former science advisor to the UK government, is behind plans to launch a new drink that provides the same effects as alcohol, but with an antidote that you take before driving. Science once more comes to our rescue.

Hay has been accusing me of not doing enough cooking. Yesterday I presented her with a slice of toast and a banana in bed and told her never to accuse me of that again.

David Cameron is claiming that images of him in Tory election posters have not been airbrushed.

If not, then they’re using 15 year old images, if you ask me. It has become a national sport here in the UK to satirise Cameron election posters. Here’s my contribution:

I particularly like this one someone has come up with:

I wanted to redress the balance with a satirised Labour election poster, but I can’t find any yet.

Politicians’ wives are now getting in on the PR act and opening up to interviews, as if I’m vacuous enough to vote for someone because his wife is the right dress size, can do a heavenly confit de canard or is best mates with Philida and Aloysius Tungsten-Carbide.

A jogger in Alaska was killed when a pack of hungry wolves, well, did what hungry wolves generally tend to do when they come across a lone retard out jogging in the middle of wolf territory. The ‘authorities’ are now hunting the wolves, presumably to put them out of their hunger and to ensure the local population of a hamlet is safe from future attacks. Why can’t they simply ensure the wolves don’t get ravenous in the first place by leaving the occasional present out for them in the shape of a carcass? People then won’t get attacked and a pack of wild wolves remains undisturbed by human encroachment into their natural habitat.


  1. Dancing with Wolves: "... did what hungry wolves generally tend to do when they come across a lone retard out jogging in the middle of wolf territory."

    Apparently listening to an iPod.

    Why do people invade the natural habitat of predators and then expect them to 'play nice'? The Aussies and their sharks are another example. Then they send out the heavies, fully armed, in flying machines, to take revenge.

  2. Your idea of leaving meat our for the wolf packs is a good one. The easiest way would be to encourage more of these intrepid joggers and regularly spaced intervals (don't want the lupines getting fat, do we?)

  3. Is it just me are are you really becoming less cantankerous in your old age?

  4. Fletch: Dunno. It beggars belief.

    Avus: Seemed the logical solution to me.

    Alan: Me cantankerous? No, it's you!