Monday, 22 March 2010

The Evolution of the SAS Jedi


Paul Keetch, MP for Hereford (the home of the SAS), has been exhibiting signs of advanced stupidity. He has complained that Google has images of the SAS HQ on Street View. Before he mentioned this to the world, I’m sure 99.99999% of us were blissfully unaware that you could actually see the SAS HQ on Street View – not that it mattered anyway as all you Have to do is walk down the relevant street. Now everyone from Kabul to Pyong Yang is in the know and is probably this minute targeting it for a nuclear strike.

Methinks this plonker he should be sacked while retaining full pension rights and an entitlement to a substantial redundancy payment amounting to a decade’s salary (plus expenses and a moat).

In 2009, it is alleged that Keetch was having an affair with the ex-wife of the author Cameron Spence. Queried about this, he replied: “I categorically deny I have been in a long-running affair with this woman whose name you mentioned. The allegations are untrue." He declined to comment when asked if the statement was true without the phrase "long-running".

Keetch’s website boldly states: “KEETCH THANKED FOR PLEDGING TO "DO HIS BIT" FOR BRITISH ARMED FORCES.” Read the piece and you’re still none the wiser as to what exactly ‘doing his bit’ actually means. Possibly he’s referring to Irene Spence.

Some anencephalic unemployed zombie in Southend has received an apology from the local Job Centre after they told him to remove his hood. He claims he’s a Jedi Knight.

Chris Jarvis, an unemployed Jedi of 31, said: "I am a Star Wars follower. It means following the way of the Jedi. Someone with their own religious views is allowed to wear what their religion says."

Apparently he plans to sue for discrimination. I thought Jedis were fully employed in fighting evil, and thus he’s surely claiming benefit under false pretences. He’s recorded as saying that he only became a Jedi so he can wear his hood, in which case I’d question his commitment to his faith. It’s a bit like saying you want to become a priest because you have a cassock fetish; although thinking about it I suppose many priests (especially RCs) take the cloth precisely for that reason.

Chris – my advice is to grow up, get a job and stop sponging!

You know how everyone has replaced their traditional old windows with those hideous UPVC jobbies? I’ve through of a new idea for the renovation of old cottages – UPVC thatch! Good, or what?

Hay has come up with a new theory of evolution. Rather than explain it, I’ve represented it in the compilation image below (left to right):


I guess it kind of makes sense.

I tried multi-tasking yesterday; answering an e-mail, making a cup of tea and lighting the fire. The fire went out and the tea stewed, but the e-mail got answered. I got distracted by having to concentrate on my breathing.

Happy birthday to me!




7 comments:

  1. And a very Happy Birthday to you from me!

    Richard x x x

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  2. Have a great day, Chairman!

    Don't forget to put a picture on the blog tomorrow of the card you got from Buck House..

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  3. Yes Happy Birthday to you. May you continue to multi-task for many years to come.

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  4. All: Thanks for the birthday wishes.

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  5. Indeed, happy birthday, sir. As for your stupid MP, a frontal lobotomy instead of a pension, perhaps.

    AV

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  6. Happy birthday
    (Ian's birthday tomorrow!)

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  7. What , no candles? Hope you had a happy one, and are already looking forwards to the next....

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