Tuesday, 25 January 2011

Tarbuck & Off-Side Surgeries


You simply wouldn’t believe the number of people who have recently landed on my blog when doing a Google search on ‘Vincent Tarbuck’ instead of ‘Vincent Tabak’ (which I can now add to the tally of ‘Gollum’ and ‘Worzel Gummidge’). Obviously I’m not the only one who heard news reporters pismonunciating his name.

Now repeat after me: “Tobacco.” Now replace the first ‘o’ with an ‘a’ and omit the final ‘o’ at the end. You can now pronounce this chap’s name in Dutch. Let’s have no more of this Tarbuck nonsense - he’s not an aged Scouse comedian with a penchant for golf, for God’s sake!

Apropos of the question of women bishops that is splitting the Anglican Communion, it would appear that some Sky football commentators are fomenting schism by articulating that they are not suited to refereeing footie matches either. I wonder whether female bishops understand the off-side rule? If not, then they’re damned for eternity. Buggered if I can understand it myself, but there again I too am damned.

There’s discussion in the UK over mixed race adoptions. Never mind about adoptions - can’t say I’m in favour of mixed marriages, such as between human / Trill symbiants and Klingons for example, especially if the Klingon in question has been raised by humans. Recipe for disaster.

Remember my rant against Barclays for closing my local branch on a Saturday? I still haven’t had a response to my on-line complaint. So much for customer service from The Big Bank!



Big Bastards!

Went to the doctor yesterday for a pressure test on the blood plumbing (which was within the prescribed bounds). It struck me as strange that doctors’ surgeries provide a massive screen that tells you when to go to a specific room, but also provide magazines to distract you so you don’t pay the slightest attention to the screen anyway. It’s OK for the doctors, as they have a Tannoy system, but the nurses in the treatment rooms don’t.

It also struck me that doctors’ surgeries are prime sources of epidemics, and here’s why: if you can’t turn the page of a magazine, what do you generally do? If you’re like me, then you lick your finger to give you more traction. However, if you’re at the doctor because you’ve got some nasty bug (which is invariably the case), then your hideously infected and potentially fatal spit is likely to infect whatever poor sod subsequently touches that magazine – especially if they also lick their fingers when turning the pages. Magazines should be eliminated from all doctors’ surgeries as health hazards.

Luckily I only go to the doctor when well, but I still run the risk of dying after contracting magazine-proliferated lurgy following my visit.

8 comments:

  1. Our doctors only has old copies of top gear magazine and the daily mail; so not only do you leave with some anti-biotic resistant bug, your brain is invaded by conservative petrol-headed meme's too! I avoid the place at all costs..

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  2. Wish my doctors had one of those big screens, they only have a Tannoy system. Which means that I am often still sat in the waiting room at 11.30 am having arrived early for a 10.00am appointment thinking (in my gloriously deaf state) "they must be busy today"

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  3. Steve: Do I detect an aberrant apostrophe there?

    Alan: You should get them to install one of those induction loops.

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  4. Yuk. I will remember to take my own magazine to the surgery in future. Or I'll wear my marigolds.
    Sx

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  5. SB: One assumes it will be The Lady (Footballer Edition)?

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  6. Ha! Indeed! How did you guess?
    Sx

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  7. SB: It was the near side rule that guided me.

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