Overheard in the caravan:
No.1 Son: “Dad, if ever I got Black Ops (Call of Duty 6), would you want a go?”
Chairman: “No – it would be too addictive.”
No.1 Son: “You could have only one go.”
Chairman: “That’s what they say about crack cocaine.”
Hay: “Just say no.”
Now for the news:
Mubarak Diagnosed with Deafness:
Egypt’s President Mubarak has been diagnosed with selective deafness following his dismissal of the Egyptian cabinet.
Protesters have been shouting: “Down with Mubarak,” for a number of days and setting fire to things, leading pundits to suspect the rioters want rid of Mr Mubarak. Yet Mr Mubarak’s dismissal of the cabinet points to him mishearing what they were shouting as: “Down with Mubarak’s cabinet – please stay in your presidential role, Mr Mubarak.”
Case for NHS Reform Oversold:
The government has over-sold the need for its overhaul of the NHS in England, a leading health economist suggests. He cites the fastest rates of improvement in Europe, which if continued will lead to the UK having the best quality healthcare in Europe within two years.
The government responded by collectively clapping its hands over its ears and going: “Lalala, lalala,” saying nothing of any importance and trotting out the same old hackneyed phrases suggesting that it intends to completely ignore the evidence, as it doesn’t exactly help in attempting to sell off the NHS to private companies.
Violent Criminals to Get Vote:
The government fears violent criminals and sex offenders getting the vote under EU human rights legislation. Their greatest fear is that the tiny number of 1,700 odd killers and perverts would be almost certain to vote Lib-Dem instead of Conservative, and that simply cannot be allowed.
Anti-strike laws not ruled out ahead of union summit:
The government refused to rule out the reintroduction of flogging, public hangings and transportation to Australia to prevent unions co-ordinating strikes over public service spending cuts.
In a surprising lack of understanding of the laws of cause and effect, the Chancellor, George Osborne, is accusing the UK’s unions, who have yet to announce any action, of holding back the economic recovery he is hoping to achieve by the simple mechanism of putting half the country on the dole.