Friday, 28 January 2011

Technological Defence of MI7's Upright Stance

Defence Technology Just Not Up To It

Peter Felstead of Jane's Defence Weekly has admitted that Nimrod planes currently rolling off the production lines, only to be immediately scrapped, use electronics that are inferior to last year’s PlayStation 3.

Defence analysts have questioned the wisdom of basing our nations defence capabilities on Call of Duty (Black Ops) gaming technology, even if it has received 5 stars from GamePro, as it puts our armed services at the mercy of 10 year-olds in possession of the game cheats.

Defence chiefs strongly urge that future strategic defence procurement move to X-Box technology, as it has more realistic sound effects.

It is thought that the Queen Elizabeth class aircraft carriers currently under construction at Maplins will deploy the robust and battle-tested Sinclair ZX Spectrum command and control system along with the £3.2Bn state-of-the-art Commodore Pet anti-surveillance system.

State of the art

Pundits believe that the planned SISRS (Space Invaders Strategic Radar System) due to be implemented in 2020 has may be subject to defence cuts and will in all likelihood be replaced by the technologically superior PacMan system at a cost of £250m.


News International Actually MI7

Following allegations of phone hacking, News International is claiming it is actually a front for a shadowy government intelligence agency called MI7, with The News of the World being part of Directorate 5 (Surveillance Unit).

This was confirmed when the Metropolitan Police failed to properly investigate allegations of phone hacking.

MI7 was thought to have been disbanded, but it was actually resurrected in the early 1990s with the enigmatic and notoriously reclusive Rupert Murdoch being appointed as its head and given the mysterious code name ‘B-Sky-B’.

Directorate 5 of MI7 was established to hack into the voice mail of minor celebrities’ who couldn’t be arsed to change the default security code to ensure they were not secretly working for non-UK TV companies.

Andy Gray Takes Up New Position

Football pundit Andy Gray, who was sacked this week from his lucrative radio job following allegations of sexism, has been spotted walking in the grounds of his new employer.

1 comment:

  1. Those new defence systems would be far better based on Wee technology. Hut fulls of soldiers could sit in Catterick and wave their arms and legs around whilst the Tally-ho could be floored by an unseen force.