Wednesday, 6 May 2009

Wednesday 06/05/09

Ever wondered what the consequences would be if Man Flu crossed the species barrier? Total catastrophe! Millions of male pigs and/or sheep sitting in comfy chairs with a TV remote control demanding beer, hot food and TLC, hamming it up enough to make Lord Olivier turn in his grave.

Talking of the archetypal considerate, altruistic and totally unselfish male of our species, a male contraceptive jab has been developed and tested in China, which is believed to be as effective at preventing pregnancies as the female pill or condoms. It’s a monthly injection that works by temporarily blocking sperm production.

So ladies, all you have to do now is to trust that the hunky young chap you met in the bar last night - the one who is evolutionarily and biologically motivated solely by an uncontrollable, testosterone-fuelled urge to impregnate as many females as possible, while simultaneously having no concept of cause and effect and being possessed with the sense of ethical responsibility of Sir Fred Goodwin - has done the proper thing and taken his monthly jab. I’m certain that millions of women will now have had their minds put at ease. No longer will they need to rely solely on the evidence of their own eyes that a condom is being used, or suffer the uncertainly of remembering whether they’ve been on the pill for the last decade. The sheer freedom from worry is, I’m sure, exhilarating!

Come to think of it, that’s exactly what men have to consider now – whether the woman they’re with is telling the truth that she’s on the pill and hasn’t been taken over by a sudden and overwhelming urge to beat the biological clock or to obtain a council flat.

I just hope these Chinese contraceptive jabs are more reliable than my Chinese e-cigars. They’re guaranteed for 28 days and I consider myself extremely lucky if I can get as much as 3 weeks out of the damned things.

Manchester is to be the first UK city where ID cards can be purchased. Government officials say the amount of personal data to be collected and retained for the new cards will be no greater than for passports.

If the card is going to have the same data as a passport, then why the need for a card? If I try to hire something as mundane as a carpet cleaner at a local shop, my passport is next to useless as a form of ID – they insist on a utility bill. If an ID card has no more data on it than a passport, then surely it too will be useless for anything other than showing PC Plod who I am. Why should I part with £60 for a card which serves no purpose other than to assist Plod in knowing who I am, when other forms of ID will serve the same purpose at no extra cost?

I have no intrinsic ideological objection to ID cards, I simply need someone to present me with a logical and coherent case for the benefit, which the government and other ID card advocates have singularly failed to do.

I can see the dawning of a day in the future when I’m queuing at passport control and the immigration officer says: “No – I’m afraid your passport won’t do. We need to see a couple of utility bills.”


  1. As far as I can tell the UK already has a system for is called a NHS number. It works just like an American SSN only it affords you health care. The new forms of ID just seem superfluous.

  2. Yep, seems like a way of getting £60 from as many people who are dumb enough to want and ID card as possible. Good scam.

    And here's a piece of dumb from France : having a French passport is not considered proof that the holder has French nationality.

  3. Kat: We have numerous IDs. social security number, passport number, house number, name. It's all too much.

    Kapgaf: Aren't all French people Moroccan?

  4. And, the ID cards will be available from Pharmacies...

    Pharmacies? Am I missing something here...?

    Is it me???

  5. If they're not Portugese, yes.

  6. Woman: They will be staffed by immigration officers, one presumes.