Sunday 31/05/09

Feeling grumpy today.

Overheard in Tesco:

Very overweight young woman pushing grossly overloaded trolley and bumping into The Chairman: “Oooh sorry, I can’t control this.”
Chairman: “Perhaps if you didn’t load it with so much crap you could.”
Hay: “Badger!”

The Conservative leader, Darth Cameron, was yesterday accused of employing his entire family and their friends and their friends’ friends on parliamentary expenses, setting up a taxpayer-funded property empire, robbing the Bank of England and killing the Prime Minister. In his defence he said that it was within the rules and he blamed sloppy accounting.

I wonder if anyone has had the idea of investigating the Royal Family’s expenses. Has, for example, Her Madge claimed a London allowance for staying overnight at Buck House when she actually drove in from Windsor Castle?

I seriously fear that in an effort to kick the major political parties in the balls over the expenses issue, the electorate is going to vote a bunch of nutters into the European Parliament this week. Better to vote for the least blatantly corrupt standard politician than run the risk of a coalition of the insane running Europe.

I’ve spent the last 4 days trying to phone a guy who has a Volvo 850 T5 for sale, on Auto Trader, but the bugger’s phone keeps going to voicemail. Why advertise a car for sale with your mobile as the contact number and then persistently fail to answer your phone? Left him a final message telling him where to stick his bloody car. Have decided I’ll fix my motor myself for under 200 quid – bugger the insurance.

On the way back from dropping my boy off in Truro yesterday I noticed long queues on the southbound carriageway of the M5 around Bristol. It was so bad that people were taking picnic tables and chairs out of their cars and making tea in the middle of the motorway. Went to the AA Roadwatch site on arriving home at 11:30 to find not a single traffic alert on it for the M5, yet every other traffic site and radio traffic reports were screaming 40 minute delays due to a serious earlier accident that wasn’t expected to clear before 3pm. These buggers at the AA are more interested in selling you insurance, financial services and driving lessons than telling people about the state of the traffic. AA Roadwatch is as much use as running spikes are to Stephen Hawking.

Saw this in Tesco yesterday:

For anyone who knows my surname, they’ll realise that this is my kind of beer.

Out of curiosity we watched the Britain’s Got Talent final last night. Hay’s convinced Julian Smith is ex public school and is hiding his true identity of Julian Ponsonby-Smith. As for 2 Grand, the girl should ditch the old bloke and she’d stand a decent chance. We both thought Shawn Smith the best act and regardless of the fact he didn’t win, I’m sure his future as a singer is assured and that Simon Cowell already has him signed up.

Amanda Holden should actually have won for her Jessica Rabbit impersonation.

I hear there’s to be another version of Britan’s Got Talent, called Britain’s Got Pushy Parents. Kids will be forced by their parents to compete for the chance to climb up chimneys, work ungodly hours in cotton mills and manufacture trainers in sweatshops. Contestants will have to be under 13 and withstand onslaughts of humiliating criticism. The winner will be the kid who gets the most public votes for his or her ability to look utterly dejected, burst into tears spontaneously and appear on the verge of suicide.

Here’s a random thought: I wonder how many Hitlers there are in the telephone directory in Germany?