Friday, 8 May 2009

Saturday 09/05/09

Ugh! Badminton Horse Trials at the Duke of Beaufort's estate. The road is chocker already. We don’t want the glare of publicity here – leave us alone! The event is turning into a celeb media opportunity with people like Kate Moss, Liz Hurley and Katie Price turning up. Young kids descend on the place like it’s a pop festival and come purely to get pissed. Hideous. Reckon we should all get our pitchforks and rush torches out and go up to the master's house to complain.

I hear Taliban insurgents have moved into the Swat Valley, between Bradford and Leeds.

Had to regale you with this extract from the book Hay bought that I mentioned a coupe of days ago – In Defence of Food, by Michael Pollan.


It’s easier to slap a health claim on a box of sugary cereal than on a raw potato or carrot, with the perverse result that the most healthy foods in the supermarket sit there quietly in the Produce Section, silent as stroke victims, while a few aisles away in Cereals the Cocoa Puffs and Lucky Charms are screaming their new-found wholegrain goodness to the rafters.


The Child Support Agency called me on my mobile on Friday. Daft buggers had lost my last maintenance payment, which is unusual, as I pay automatically by standing order and have never missed a payment. Had to go through the usual damned-fool security questions, one of which was what my contact phone number was. The operative was totally oblivious to the irony of my statement that it was obviously the very number she’d contacted me on – said while rolling on the floor in fits of laughter. These idiots must live in an alternate reality. I wonder who dreams up these security questions – Homer Simpson? I’ll bet anything that the stupidity of the question is not filtered back to the security people by the drone who called me.

No. 2 daughter and boyfriend came round a few evenings ago (and as usual it was without prior notification and happened to coincide with left-overs evening). Daughter insisted on showing boyfriend my tattoo – the one that used to be a representation of a sailing ship under full sail with the words ‘HOMEWARD BOUND’ below it, but now 35 years later (and due to the ink having spread) resembling a badly drawn articulated lorry and says ‘HFTHRDUO BLTHWD’. She was foolishly trying to persuade him to get one, but I was doing my best to dissuade him. Told him that if he was determined, then he should avoid like the plague the temptation of putting daughter’s name anywhere on his body. Had I done that in my teens, then by the time I was 40 I’d have ended up with a veritable roll-call of ex wives, girlfriends and a variety of acquaintances from east of Suez adorning my arms.

It seems that the male penchant for tattoos these days solely embraces ethnic tribal markings – be they Aboriginal, Celtic, Maori or East End of London. Women with tattoos are such a turn-off – especially fat birds - makes them look like skanky dockers. I bitterly regret having mine, but as I have said elsewhere in this blog, I was comatose through being under the affluence of incahol when it was carved into me and so didn’t know it was happening.

Here’s some trivia about me, the questions for which I culled from Single Parent Dad’s blog.

1. What are your current obsessions?

Getting in touch with my female side and getting a new job.

2. Which item from your wardrobe do you wear most often?

My little red dress.

3. What's for dinner?

We’re going to The Dog for din-dins. My treat.

4. Last thing you bought?

Flowers for Hay - first time in ages. Oh, and I did buy a haircut the other day. Oh, and a couple of books on eBay – one for Hay and The Elegant Universe for me.

5. What are you listening to?

My thoughts – scary! I think Hay just said something, but I can’t remember what.

6. If you were a god/goddess who would you be?

Thor – love that hammer and the winged helmet he wears in the DC comics.

7. Favourite holiday spots?

Home, or anywhere where someone else is paying the bill.

8. Reading right now?

Wild Swans. I’m not really into this stuff, but I promised Hay I’d give it a try and it’s in line with number 1 above.

9. Four words to describe yourself.

Confident, emotional, argumentative and challenging. Hay suggested these.

10. Guilty pleasure?

Cheese – the smellier the better.

11. Who or what makes you laugh until you’re weak?

Politics and religion – i.e. the concept of absolute certainty based on nothing more concrete than guesswork.

12. Favourite spring thing to do?

Coming out of hibernation.

13. Planning to travel to next?

Windsor, for a sales conference. Deep joy!

14. Best thing you ate or drank lately?

Anything and everything prepared by Hay and a nice Australian shiraz.

The Shiraz Mosque.

15. When did you last get tipsy?

It depends what is meant by tipsy, and I refuse to incriminate myself. Anyway, only women get tipsy. Men get uproariously drunk.

16. Favourite ever film?

So many to choose from. I’ll plump for Kingdom of Heaven for now. Check out my profile for a list.

Eva Green – mmmmmm!

17. Care to share some wisdom?

• Drink South African whites and Chilean reds and you’ll never go wrong.
• Let people talk about themselves, and they’ll think you’re a wonderful conversationalist.
• Never offer advice.

18. Song you have most enjoyed this year?

Not exactly this year, but Staind’s version of Alice in Chains’ Nutshell from 2006.

19. How is it possible to encourage a gaggle of women to chase after you, without being Brad Pitt?

Steal a handbag at the Women’s’ Institute.

While eating an orange yesterday I mused on the obvious conclusion that the orange evolved its shape to exactly fit the shape of the human mouth when quartered – a perfect symbiosis. The watermelon, however, is more specialised in its evolution - when quartered will only fit women’s mouths.


  1. There's absolutely no way to reply to this varied post with any sort of comprehensiveness. I will confine myself to a few random comments: Wild Swans is fascinating; I once saw an old woman with a tattoo on her back and I've never forgotten the hideous sight; your wine advice has been duly noted; I'm in complete agreement with your politics/religion diagram (despite being from Texas); the pic of the man in the pink satin dress is hilariously horrific; and sorry about your traffic and idiotic phone call issues. These things must be endured, unfortunately.

  2. Your blog is still new to me – dear Lord, you’re prolific! (And good.)
    I lucked out on today’s trivia portion – am able to get to know you a bit better via an amusing list - #9 was particularly helpful.

  3. Bee: Another bit of advice is never to take advice from an unknown source.

    Beth: Many thanks for dropping by. Hope you enjoy it.

  4. Yeah yeah, I know, I'm late! But I still would like to thank your for making me laugh ;-)

  5. Carolina: Better late than never.