Gordon Brown is recalling all our troops from Afghanistan and Iraq, intending to position them at the entrance to 10 Downing Street to prevent him being ousted from power.
It is believed that the MoD is being allocated unprecedented amounts of money in order to equip the troops with the latest Inter-Continental Ballistic Nick Griffins and unexploded WWII bigoted old hags with which to defend what has become known as the Führerbunker.
Squads of die-hard Labour supporters have been secretly trained by Al Qaeda in the manufacture and deployment of exploding ink vests that spoil ballot papers when set off in polling stations.
I do feel sorry for Gordon. He is a safe pair of hands, even though he seems to have the PR skills of Prince Philip at his most gaffe-prone. Cameroon is a smoothie with no substance and Clagg is merely a stick with which to beat Labour and Tory MPs for the expenses scandal.