Wednesday 13/05/09

In readiness for our sales conference today, I stayed at the Saville Court Hotel in Windsor last night. Can’t recommend it. Had to change the first room they gave me as I’m not that keen on having to turn the bed at 90 degrees in order to have enough space to put the chair at the desk. The new room wasn’t much better – the chair height and the desk height are mismatched, so you can’t comfortably get your legs under the desk anyway. Add to that the fact you are provided with tea making facilities, but (as I discovered this morning) no tea, sugar or milk. You can’t leave any electrical equipment charging in the room, as once you leave you have to take your key-card out of a slot and all the electricity goes off – including that supplied to sockets. A small glass of wine costs £6 odd and a large one in excess of £8 – I can only consider myself lucky that my company paid for a free bar for the dinner last night.

One to stay clear of

Following a year of successful police operations around the world, cocaine is in such short supply that wholesale prices have gone through the roof. Prices have risen from £39,000 per kilo in 2008 to over £45,000, but street prices have remained stable. Investment bankers are in a panic and suspect it’s only a matter of time before street prices rise to levels higher than their bonuses.

Street prices have remained stable due to the raw cocaine powder being ‘cut’ with bulking agents, such as Bernard Manning, John Prescott and Susan Boyle.

It is also suspected that the recent epidemic of Swine Flu in Mexico is not in fact Swine Flu at all, but an allergic reaction to the bulking agents used to cut Colombian Marching Powder.

Political commentators suggest that MPs’ high expense claims are reflecting the fact that these spongers are taking some of whatever Speaker of the House of Commons, Michael Martin, is on. Some commentators are of the opinion that Tory MPs are funding their extravagant lifestyles of swimming pools, moats, chandeliers and domestic staff through having cornered the House of Commons drug market – the proceeds of which are estimated to dwarf the Gross Domestic Product of Scunthorpe.

Shadow climate change minister, Greg Barker, the MP for Bexhill and Battle - and a close ally of Darth Cameron who yesterday blagged an apology with exceedingly good fakery - stands accused of making £320,000 after buying a flat with the help of taxpayers' money and selling it 27 months later. ‘Making money’ – i.e. counterfeiting – is a crime, and if Barker is using the property to make money, he’d better watch out. Rumour-mongers along the corridors of power hint this activity is actually a diversionary ruse and that the so called ‘profit’ is really drug money laundered through the parliamentary expenses system.

It has come to light that a number of high profile MPs are paying ‘protection money’ from their expenses to shady characters. Barbara Follett, the tourism minister, has for example paid out £25,000 for ‘protection’, however, given she is married to millionaire writer Ken Follett, these gun-toting protection racketeers could feasibly be on Ken’s payroll, which begs the question of whether Ken is indeed a writer or in fact the mysterious boss of the legendary, yet infamous, cali-Westminster drug cartel. It has been said that the term ‘street price’ is slowly being replaced with that of ‘lobby price’.

Pope Ratzo has continued Operation White Robe with an offensive push through Jerusalem, stopping off at the Wailing Wall, the Crying Kerbstone and the Whispering Garage. The pontiff, nick-named The Desert Fox, briefly partook of a meal of 5 loaves and 2 fish with 5,000 of his men. He donated some pitchers of Lacryma Christi 1997 to Panzer Division Clausewitz, who complained that it tasted like water (or piss). Following a quick burst of the Horst Wessel song, he donned his trademark sand goggles and roared into the wilderness aboard his remodeled armoured Popemobile.

The Popemobile

Unfortunately, this exhibition of comradely spirit delayed the Pope in his attempt to cross the Sea of Galilee before evening in order to rendevous with Cardinal Fang; however, he assured his troops that he knew of a shortcut directly across the sea – one that had been used in the past… about 2000 years ago. He said he’d read about it somewhere, but couldn’t remember where.

Imperial College has estimated that a third of the world's population could be infected with Swine Flu in the next 6 to 9 months. The announcement caused a flurry of panic purchasing of Sherazade IGT Sicilia Donnafugata 2007 at Fortnum & Mason’s when the report was misheard as Wine Flu.

A massive 4 foot moon jellyfish has wasted up on a beach in Devon. Experts say the species - also known as a common jellyfish or saucer jelly - has no bones or brain, and the colourful bodies are 95 per cent water. It is allegedly indistinguishable from John Prescott.

John Prescott (left) and a moon jellyfish (right)

‘Recession could be over by Tuesday’, says renowned astrologer. World famous astrologer, Stephen Hawking, maintains it’s all relative - providing you have access to a time machine. Hawking’s time machine, cunningly disguised as a motorised wheelchair, enables him to time-shift and report on tomorrow’s news today.

Following hard on the heels of Ferrari announcing it may withdraw from Formula 1 racing, car manufacturer Kia has said that if it appeared on the F1 starting grid in 2010 it would be a bleeding miracle.

In a move of Orwellian proportions, the Belgian city of Ghent (henceforth to be known as the Fascist State of Ghent) is about to declare a veggie day at least once a week in which civil servants and elected councillors will eat vegetarian meals. Schoolchildren will follow suit with their own veggie day in September. Perhaps some councils in the UK should follow suit by having days when fat people are not allowed to be seen in public, with fat catchers (in the manner of dog catchers) patrolling the streets to arrest them if they dare to show their faces.