Monday, 7 March 2011

Going Down the Pub to See the Libyan Game

Overheard in the Caravan:

Hay: “Are these jocks yours?”

Chairman: “No, I think you’ve managed to mix my jocks with your father’s in the washing machine.”

Hay: “I’m going to have to sew name tags into your clothes – both of you.”

Overheard in the Caravan:

Chairman: “If there is a purpose to the universe, I think it is to ultimately become conscious and thus contemplate itself. We, through our consciousness, are the start of that – possibly even the end of it.”

Hay: “How do you work that out Einstein?”

Chairman: “The pure energy of Big Bang became more ordered when converted into matter. Matter became inexorably more ordered through the creation of galaxies, suns with their heavy elements and planetary systems, with simple and then complex life eventually arising. The next stage was for the universe to become self-aware, which was achieved through us.”

Hay: “If everything is becoming more complex, how do you account for men?”

Chairman: “Good point.”

Britons Take a Deep Interest in Islam

Friday is the new Saturday.

Instead of watching football matches on Sky Sports at the local pub on Saturday afternoons, millions of football fans are now opting to go down to the pub on Friday lunchtimes to watch Al Jazeera in the hope of seeing something far more exciting kick off somewhere in the Middle East or North Africa following Friday Prayers.

Fans are separating into pro and anti government supporters, sporting their favourite teams’ keffiyehs instead of football scarves. Less sartorially minded supporters are wearing chequered tea towels from Bon Marche or Tesco on their heads. As a consequence, the nation’s pubs now resemble Al Qaeda reunions on Friday afternoons.

For obvious theological reasons, drinking is not allowed, but loud cheering of the violence is entirely acceptable, as is attendance at post-match war crimes tribunals. While the loosing of shots into the air after a game is generally frowned on in the UK, it is entirely acceptable within the safety of an inner-city pub.

Some are hoping Jose Mourinho can be brought in to manage the Libyan Rebels and improve their defensive strategy against the Gaddafi Rovers – perhaps moving to a 4-3-2-1 formation and substituting tanks for Molotov Cocktails early on in the game.

Gary Lin-Akbar, Professor of Neo-Classical Islamic Footballology at Leicester University, respected Al Jazeera Sport pundit and crisp franchisee, is concerned that Gaddafi’s team is engaging in high tackles and has suggesting that FIFA should introduce a no-high-tackle-zone over Libya – especially as the Libyan Rebels are not very good in the air. He is also concerned about the large number of foreign players in the Gaddafi team.

Lin-Akbar is also critical of Gaddafi Rovers’ Zawiya manoeuvre. He stated: “A typical Gaddafi move and one he has never had success with yet after 40 years in management. When will he learn that there have to be two rebel strongholds between the attacker and his goal to stay on-side. If the opposition have a decent goalkeeper (or phalanx) the move is doomed to failure.”

He continued: “Also I don’t think it sporting for Gaddafi Rovers to have camouflage as their away strip, especially when the Libyan Rebels only have a motley assortment of flip-flops, jeans and Led Zeppelin T shirts as their home strip.”

Britons Incapable of Understanding English

The MHRA (Medicines and Healthcare products Regulatory Agency) is considering changing the instructions on medications that say ‘avoid alcohol’, as millions of illiterate Brits seem to think this means ‘do not knock the medication back with a double scotch chaser, but it’s perfectly OK to then go out and get totally flattened on 12 pints of larger immediately afterwards’.


Alan Burnett said...

Living in a caravan with you must be rather like being stuck in a lift Jacob Bronowski : you never quite understood the point he was making but you suspected it was profound.

Chairman Bill said...

Alan: I shall take that as a compliment - I think (therefore I am - in a manner of speaking; but that's not to say I'm not engaged in solipsism).

Steve Borthwick said...

I feel the tone of this thread needs to be lowered; I can only imagine that being stuck in a lift with Jacob Bronowski would be highly disconcerting did you notice how tight his trousers were in the ascent of man? like the proverbial car crash, you don't want to stare but... ;)

Ms Scarlet said...

I am here to lower the tone of the thread.
*sniggers at Gary Lin-Akbar*

Lee said...

“If everything is becoming more complex, how do you account for men?”

Inescapable logic.