Thursday, 3 March 2011

Oops For LMD Defence Cuts

Cameron to Go on the Offensive Over Libya

Given his low standing at home, David Cameron knows he needs to pull off a ‘Thatcher’ in order to regain popularity.

However, virtually all the UK’s front-line troops have been handed their P45s in recent weeks and are in training for supermarket security jobs as mercenaries.

For this reason Cameron has decided to bring out the big guns by declaring a strategic ‘no library zone’ over Libya, with all Libyan libraries being picketed by crack regiments of redundant British librarians.

Nexus 6 Combat Librarian armed with heavily camouflaged copies of Carl von Clausewitz’s ‘On Libraries’ and Sun Tzu’s ‘The Art of Librarianship’.

It is thought by some that he will persuade Barak Obama to invade Libya by leaking a story to the Daily Mail concerning Gaddafi secret plans to construct Libraries of Mass Destruction – or LMDs.

The Institute of Strategic Studies maintains he should go so far as to impose the English National Curriculum on Libya, thus destroying Libyan literacy for decades to come and neutralising any foreseeable threat from LMDs.

Egyptian Refugees Say: “Oops”

Egyptian refugees fleeing Libya have been angrily demanding that the Egyptian government come to their aid.

It then dawned on them that they overthrew their government a couple of weeks ago in a similar event.

Chairman Bill Solves Problem of UK’s Defence Cuts

The savage cuts occasioned to the UK’s armed forces can be mitigated by strategic use of the brain’s ability to ignore gaps and fill in the detail.

Close your right eye and stare at the black square in the image below. Move your face closer to the screen and at a specific point (around 12-18 inches) the red gap in the line of soldiers will disappear and be filled with a nonexistent and totally imaginary soldier.

Of course the UK’s troops would need to stand on each others’ heads to ensure the success of the illusion, along with exploding a diversionary black square to their left - the enemy’s right - to focus the eyes of the enemy (it will actually work for line abreast, but the line must be short). The enemy would be fooled into wearing eye patches on their right eye through the pre-engagement promulgation of a YouTube video showing the eye patch to be a suave fashion statement for troops.

It is thought that this optical illusion, caused by the eye’s blind spot and the brain’s ability to deceive the mind (a bit like election promises), could also be used for naval vessels.


  1. Tried your black and red box experiment. Took a bit to get it to work but it did eventually. The only problem was that the red box was replaced not by the outline of a soldier shooting a gun but by a MoD Accountant sitting at a desk.

  2. Alan: An even more lethal form of weaponry.

  3. PS - I can imagine thousands of people at work pushing their faces into their screens and their co-workers wondering what the hell they are up to.

    OK - hunbreds of people.

    OK, OK, tens of people.