Wednesday, 16 March 2011

Midsomer Tesco to Border Cox

Microsoft to Include Loud Music Option in PowerPoint

Following the huge success of Professor Brian Cox’s TV program, ‘Wonders of the Universe’, Microsoft is set to include annoyingly loud background music within its PowerPoint templates.

It is rumoured that tracks will include Mars from the Planet Suite, the Star Wars theme, Tchaikovsky’s 1812 overture and Orffe’s Carmina Burana, thus ensuring maximum complaints and the inability of the audience to hear a single word of the presentation.

For those who favour David Attenborough’s presentation style, there will be an option to use a looped version of John Cage’s 4:33 throughout the entire presentation.

Microsoft has pointed out that, in keeping with the modern predilection for dumbing down, the use of loud music will enable a simple five minute presentation to be padded out to a full and excruciating 30 minutes.

Dr. Toynbee Hall, a researcher at the Lorenzo Ferrero Institute of Incidental Music, said: “There’s nothing quite like walking to the podium to the strains of Carmina Burana for dramatic effect and putting the fear of God into your audience.”

Typical Brian Cox fan

UK Border Agency Staffed by Migrants

The UK Border Agency has said that up to 181,000 migrants 'may have overstayed visas'.

The word ‘may’ is an auxiliary modal signifying possibility, not probability. It could therefore equally be said that 181,000 migrants 'may not have overstayed visas' without changing the meaning of the sentence one iota.

However, the latter statement is not a news headline and therefore one imagines they consider it likely that a large proportion of the 181,000 migrants are still here, else why mention it at all?

This signifies that the UK Border Agency is probably staffed by people lacking an in-depth knowledge of English - in all likelihood some (or none) of the 181,000 foreigners who may, or may not, have overstayed their visas.

Typical Englishman engaged in typically quaint English traditions

Sir Terry Leahy Guilty of Doublespeak

Sir Terry Leahy, the erstwhile CEO of Tesco, was interviewed on the radio on Monday extolling how Tesco provides employment for the long-term unemployed and portraying Tesco as a paragon of civic virtue.

What he neglected to mention was that Tesco’s relentless pursuit of efficiency assisted in the creation of a long-term unemployment problem in the first place by the wholesale elimination of many of the jobs that used to exist in the high street shops Tesco and its ilk replaced.

To be fair, most of the responsibility for this sits with the UK consumer and his or her relentless pursuit of cheap and shoddy convenience food. Ironically, the pre-prepared and heavily marketed food available in supermarkets is more expensive than home prepared food of better nutritional value.

On the continent towns are filled with small shops selling all manner of quality produce – but sadly not here.

Global domination - but so convenient

Midsomer to Have Ethnic Minorities Bussed In

Midsomer, that last bastion of English rural life since The Archers went hip-hop, stands accused of lacking racial diversity.

However, given the disproportionally high number of grisly murders that occur in the country of Midsomer, it’s hardly surprising no ethnic minorities live there – they’re afraid of being lynched by a bunch of white supremacists.

Seething hotbed of radical Englishness


  1. Actually a nice piece of music *instead* of the Powerpoint presentation might appeal..

    I did laugh at the Midsomer thing, an English village with a crime rate higher than Brooklyn and the producer claims he's interested in authenticity, right...

  2. Ah yes...English language arts.
    You realize, of course, that if the Drench hadn't helped during the American Revolution, this whole country would be speaking English, today. As it is, the most requested service movie goers pray for is subtitles in English movies.

    The powerpoint idea is astounding.
    Only a handful of us can overpower the software to make a box move twice, and in opposite directions. Took me two hours to map out the secret, but am totally disappointed because I realized that Gates and his Microsoft Marauders could have made that part of the system easily.
    However, about the first time my ears get blasted by some loud nonsense (I like Mars, and even more, the 1812) because I wear headphones...then soon after, Mr. Gates and I will be meeting.
    His body guards may pummel the mischief out'a me, but, he will at least hear me call him names.
    (he has some HUGE body guards)

    Say, I noticed from your avatar, you seem to be aging rather quickly...
    You've got to quiet down that staying up all night and partying,

    Try some marijuna, instead. Calms your nerves, and gives you a good giggle before bedtime. WOULD be a lot better if it was bloody LEGAL!

    Don't get caught!

  3. ok...edit time!
    (we're almost sure that the GOP has put a virus in everyone's computer contraption machine to make us misspell Brench. See?)

    (well, either that, or, we can get high by staring at the moon)

    And to be sure, I couldn't get enough gas money to drive out of Indiana let alone drive to Washington State.

  4. You better be careful before criticising anything to do with Brian Cox. If the GLW get to hear about it you will be in trouble. She, of course, is madly in love with him. I just turn my hearing aid off.