Wednesday, 23 March 2011

Strategic Sutee on Mothers' Day

Everyone Now a Military Strategist

Since hearing military types throw around phrases like ‘lack of clear objectives’ and ‘strategic intent’, British dinner party talk has shifted from how much everyone’s house is worth and the disproportionate cost of boarding school fees toward the nature of the balance-of-power mechanism and the asymmetrical relationship between attack and defence. This is usually followed by a quick game of Call of Duty (Black Ops Libya) on their kids’ PS3s.

Armed with their new arm-chair strategy skills gained from 24 hour news channels, millions of middle class office drones are busy buying up Amazon’s stock of Carl von Clausewitz’s seminal book, ‘On War’ and casually dropping sentences like; “War is not merely a political act, but also a real political instrument, a continuation of political commerce, a carrying out of the same by other means,” into canteen conversations and hoping to sound very clever.

A clear trend has also been seen in marketing departments cornering the trade in redundant generals in order to ‘strike fear into the enemies’ hearts’ and ‘win the hearts and minds of customers’ through ‘surgical strikes in the field’.

It their battle with the government cuts, the NHS and BMA in particular are showing an unhealthy interest in the latter phrase of ‘surgical strikes in the field’.

Chairman Bill, armchair military strategist, raconteur and market gardening expert said: “I wouldn’t bother spending all this money on no-fly zones – just put a £10m price on Gaddafi’s head, dead or alive, and have him topped by a bodyguard. That’s got to be lower than the cost of a dozen missiles or keeping several hundred planes in the air for months on end. Turning Tripoli into an organic butternut squash farm would be prohibitive in fertilizer cost alone.”

He continued: “I learnt that from Sun Tzu – kill one butternut squash, terrify a thousand.”

Meanwhile, secretaries and PR account executives all over Britain are putting forward coherent and well-reasoned strategic analyses of why the Libyan rebels should be left to be slaughtered by Gaddafi while they are desperately crying out to the West for help in dealing with a vicious dictator lacking any public mandate.

UK Democracy Protesters Hope British Army Will Support Them

With the upcoming referendum on a change to the voting system, the British public is wondering whether it will get support from the British Army for UK regime change, like the protesters in Egypt did.

Defence analysts suggest there may be an initial bit of fence-sitting on the part of the British generals, but eventually they will come over to the demonstrators’ view, especially if the public allow them to build a massive army and both the Navy and RAF are given permission to go after Gaddafi with a few very expensive ships and shiny new high-tech bombers.

Chairman Bill assures us that he has family in London and they all want Cameron out, despite Cameron’s use of human shields. Chairman Bill commented: “The human shields are actually Cameron’s LibDem bodyguards, and no-one gives a toss about them anymore, so take them out.”

The first action required by the Democracy Protesters will be the imposition of a No-Bullshit Zone over London, for which they could appeal to Col. Gaddafi’s propaganda machine.

Incinerate Your Mother on Mothers’ Day

Seen in the window of a Chipping Sodbury beautician.

Perhaps more suited to the quaint Indian funeral rite of sutee (or widow burning), but if you must immolate your mother in paraffin, ensure she catches light the first time or else it can be very messy, not to say expensive.


  1. They got the marketing wrong, it's not Mothers who should have this treatment it's "old flames"... (sorry couldn't resist)

    I seem to remember Sun Tzu used to be popular with the "Gordon Gekko" wannabes in the 80s, a case of frontal lobes too small, adrenal glands too big..

  2. Wouldn't quite rule it out, to be honest. The mother parafin thing that is.