Saturday, 26 February 2011

Ben Gazzara's Bonus More Than French Bottled Water

Ben Gazzara in Hiding as Defence Cuts Bite

Octogenarian American actor, Ben Gazzara, famous as the star of 60s TV drama ‘Run For Your Life’, is currently in hiding since hearing reports that the Royal Navy is sending a warship to him in the mistaken belief he’s a coastal town in eastern Libya.

It is believed that the mistake was caused by defence cuts and the axing of the Royal Navy’s GPS satellite navigation budget.

Women the world over are keeping their legs crossed in case the RN makes a similar mistake in finding Libya.

Lloyds’ CEO Daniels Tells Massive Porkies

The outgoing Lloyds Bank CEO, Eric Daniels, told the BBC’s Robert Peston that he had not yet decided whether to take his £1.45bn bonus. Yeah, right!

One thing is certain – he sure as hell won’t be putting it in any bank.

Galliano Stands Up for British Sport

British designer John Galliano was inexplicably arrested in Paris yesterday.

Sources report that at the time he was engaged in combining two traditional and well respected British pastimes, championship binge drinking and hurling abuse at the French.

Apparently he had just downed two bottles of wine, which would be considered by many in Britain as nothing more than a warm-up prior to a really good game of ‘Bar Shelf Shandies’ followed by ‘Spot the Vichy’.

Although of Spanish and Gibraltarian extraction, Galliano is known to be fiercely loyal to British traditions. Despite this he foolishly accepted an invitation into the French Legion of Honour in 2009 with the rank of Chevalier, which some saw as an underhand (and typically French) attempt at nobbling him and getting him barred on a technicality from the All British French Baiting Championships next year in Hastings.

Petrol May Become More Expensive Than Water

With petrol heading for £1.40 a litre, middle-class consumers are facing the ghastly worry that it will soon be more expensive than that other essential, bottled water. Cash strapped middle-class families may be forced to choose between Evian and Shell or BP.

Tabitha Cootes-Brown-Hall, mother of two and professional children’s lunchbox planner, said: “Well, it’s a hard decision. Without petrol I’d not be able to use my Thunder-Whacker GTi 4X4 to travel the 200 yards to drop my children off at school or travel to do my job and thus possibly be out of work; however, without my Evian I’d be shunned within my social group, which is a totally unacceptable social stigma. The petrol will simply have to go.”

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