Wednesday, 23 February 2011

Martian Scots Immigrants Given Invisible PGI Status

Gaddafi ‘in Tripoli’, Like Mars500 Astronauts ‘on Mars’

In the same manner as the Mars500 volunteer ‘astronauts’ are on a simulated Mars after a simulated 7 month flight, Colonel Gaddafi is thought to have constructed an elaborate facsimile of Tripoli somewhere in Venezuela from which to beam simulated live footage of him holding an umbrella while dressed in a brown sack.

In an address to the Libyan people, Gaddafi vowed to remain in office either until David Cameron promised a reprieve for England's libraries, or until he was sectioned under the Mental Health Act, or until he was shot (Gaddafi, not Cameron).

Planet Tripoli?

Scots Don’t Understand Time

Like the peasants in 1752 who thought adopting the Gregorian calendar would mean they ‘lost’ 11 days of their lives, Scottish farmers seem to be of the opinion that there will only be 23 hours in each day should the UK adopt double summer time this year.

Scottish farming couple

BA Cabin Crew Aim for Win in Darwin Awards

Commemorating those who yield to natural selection and "remove" themselves from the gene pool, BA cabin crew are entering the Darwin Awards by holding a ballot on strike action designed to ensure the complete eradication of their species.

Canadian Research Team Sticks Two Fingers Up at British Doctors

A meta-analysis of 30 years of research by a Canadian team has shown that while Brits may well die a nasty, painful and needlessly early death from liver disease occasioned by binge drinking, their hearts will be 100% healthy and capable of being used in transplants for migrants and rich dictators, thereby providing a much needed financial stimulus to the NHS.

Daily Mail Readers Incensed at Foreigners Funding Their Pensions

The Daily Mail is livid that 3m totally legal, tax paying migrants (just like your intrepid reporter) moved to the UK in the last 13 years.

Economists estimate that at these rates the tax receipts from them should just about enable the government to keep paying pensions to hideously xenophobic Daily Mail readers for a few years more.

During the same period, about 1m Brits have flooded into the rest of the world, most being non-working pensioners who are a drain on the services in the lands to which they migrated – buying up all the property and pushing prices so high than the indigenous population can no longer afford to live there and have to consider moving to the UK in a 3 to 1 ratio.

The Daily Mail also reports that our schools have had to cope with an extra 500,000 pupils whose 1st language is not English. The Daily Mail neglects to mention that most immigrant children are able to speak English fluently (and spell it) within 6 months to a year of arrival.

English children struggle to achieve that level of competency by the time they leave school, which is why our universities are crammed to the rafters with citizens whose parents were not born here.

Pressing social issues

Cornish Pasty Status Augers Death of Russian Roulette Outside Russia

Cornish pasty barons have successfully lobbied the EU for Protected Geographical Indication (PGI) status.

This has enormous ramifications as producers of various regional products now apply for PGI themselves. Examples include:

• French dressing
• Lancashire hotpot
• Yorkshire pudding
• Chile sauce (OK – let me off with that one)
• Rugby
• China
• Indian ink
• Dutch courage
• Siamese cats
• German shepherds
• Welsh rarebit
• Irish coffee
• Russian roulette
• Axle Greece (and that one)
• Moon cakes
• Mars Bar
• Galaxy
• Milky Way
• Paris Hilton

Free market, my arse!

Castro States the Bleeding Obvious

Former Cuban leader Fidel Castro says the US has no interest in seeing peace in Libya but is solely concerned with the country's oil reserves.

The US Secretary of State, Hilary Clinton, said: “So?”

Miliband Still Invisible and Silent

Today, Ed Miliband again said nothing worth reporting.

Google image searches on 'Miliband' still produce page after page of images of David Miliband and no Ed.


  1. The Daily Mail is a dreadful monstrosity that does nothing but reflect the ignorance and prejudices of those poor unfortunates who read it.

    (I am so enjoying your take on the news. I find myself shouting the same responses to the same obvious nonsense when it is spewed out on the evening news. It is so pleasurable to find someone with the same world-view as myself)

  2. Alan: You mean you're as biggoted as me? I find that hard to believe.

  3. Ah the Daily Mail, god's own newspaper..

    But CB, Brits are great at assimilating abroad, just think of all those "fish & chip" ghetto's in beach resorts around the world, where everyone speaks loudly and slowly and all the locals are called "Manuel", why would you want to live anywhere else?