Monday, 21 February 2011

Gurt Lush's Beauty Tips

Combining the social skills of John Prescott and the suavity of Compo Simmonite, Gurt Lush is a renowned arbiter of taste, decorum and good manners.

Gurt has kindly consented to give our readers a few tips on how to look great while distributing copies of The Big Issue.

  1. Use Berkeley menthol cigarette dog-ends as a quick and convenient breath freshener.
  2. A sloosh of meths around your mouth removes the green from your teeth as if by magic.
  3. Cheesy sock smells can be prevented by rubbing warm chip fat into your feet last thing at night.
  4. To prevent unsightly shaving rash, Gurt recommends shaving only once a fortnight.
  5. For bags under the eyes, a liberal application of badger urine works wonders.
  6. To hide grime stains on your trousers, simply apply more grime all over your trousers and you’ll be surprised at the results – the stain will disappear before your eyes.
  7. If you have unsightly nicotine stains on your fingers, try to get some iodine and soak your hands in it. Not only will the nicotine stains be hidden, it will work wonders on your scabs and kill all the ticks.
Gurt will be providing further tips throughout the year. Keep an eye out for his sartorial tips in spring, such as how to choose the best string with which to hold up your trousers.


  1. Now some would say that you have a wonderfully inventive mind to be able to make all this up. And others would say : what makes you think he is making it up?

  2. Alan: Experience goes a long way.