Friday, 25 February 2011

Bin Men Mercenaries Extradited for Face Transplant

Gaddafi Blames Bin Men

Muammar Gaddafi has gone on state TV to blame the Libyan unrest on the Bin Men.

He went on to add some other factors:

• The increasing number of lard-arses in the UK,
• Quantum fluctuations in the fabric of space-time,
• Mercenaries funded by Exxon/BP/Shell/Halliburton,
• Julian Assange,
• iPhones that don’t work,
• Cornish pasties,
• Climate change,
• Solar flares, and
• Lord Voldemort.

ExPats Lambast Oil Giants for Not Funding Libyan Invasion

Oil workers stranded is Libya (let’s face it, given Libya’s history they’re the only buggers daft enough to be in the country in the first place) have lambasted the failure of the oil majors to use their billions to fund a mercenary-led invasion to rescue them and secure the oil fields for an Exxon/BP/Shell/Halliburton oilygarchy.

Capesthorne Hall, a drill coddler, itinerant British lard-arse and non-UK tax payer, said: “Given the option I’d have a mercenary consortium comprising Bruce Willis, Micky Rourke, Sylvester Stallone and Daniel Craig leading the invasion. For added gravitas and dramatic effect, I’d have Richard Burton leading the group with Edward Fox doing something nefarious at HQ involving Roman Ambramovich and a football team. Sigourney Weaver might be added so as to appeal to the female oil workers. Fredrick Forsythe could write the script. God knows who the token South African and Cuban mercenaries could be though.”

An anonymous oil industry executive said: "Why should we spend any of our ill-gotten gains on repatriating our staff? Governments bailed out the banks when everything went tits up; now it's our turn. We only have 43 corporate aircraft, after all. However, we will lend some to the government."

Daily Mail Readers Back Assange Extradition

Wikileaks spokesperson, Julian Assange, has failed in his attempt at fighting extradition to Sweden.

It is suggested that the reason is due to a campaign mounted by Daily Mail readers, who thought he looked suspiciously Swedish.

Given enough lack of evidence and editorial, they could even be persuaded that he’s a Guardian reading, gay Moslem with paedophile tendencies and living on benefits.

Said one Daily Mail reader: "The collapse of every major civilisation can be traced to the population reading the Guardian."

Patrick Monahan Has Robbie Williams Face Transplant

Patrick Monahan, Robert Plant impersonator and lead singer of the rock band Train, is believed to have had a face transplant using a donor Robbie Williams.

Williams (left) and Monahan (right)

Train – Ramble On

Don't let the start of the following video confuse you - it's actually a well-put-together medley. There's even a hint of Jay Kay about his performance.

1 comment:

  1. Apparently the next big ITV series will be called "I'm a dictator, get me out of here", which will involve various Arab leaders sitting around ranting about Western conspiracies against them and drug fuelled terrorists corrupting their children, followed by trials where they eat bits of animals that Daily Mail readers find disgusting.

    The producers are concerned that no one will notice.