Tuesday, 8 February 2011

Parliament to Overrule Laws of Physics

According to a right-wing political think tank, Britain should cut its ties with those dirty foreigners across the Channel, what with their strange, liberal habits and disdain for the heavily processed crap we call food.

It is posited that Britain’s subservience to the European Court of Human Rights in matters of human rights legislation, especially in relation to prisoners’ voting rights, tramples on parliament’s historic and democratic right to do just about anything it wants – including trampling on people’s human rights and redefining the laws of physics.

Examples of parliament’s traditional and inalienable rights include such enlightened and philanthropic acts as voting itself huge pay rises, facilitating expense fraud on an industrial scale and reneging on election promises without the electorate having redress via the courts.

Our political editor, Rutherford Hall, comments: “Given the number of politicians entering prison for expense fraud, one would imagine they would be keen to give prisoners the right to vote, as it won’t be long before parliament has to convene at Wandsworth Prison; Labour in the left wing and Tory/Liberal in the right wing.”

It is interesting to note that MPs cannot be removed from their seat if they have been in prison for less than 12 months, and if their sentence is longer they are expected to appeal to the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg.

New – Chairman Bill’s Spot the Bent Politician Competition.

ASBOs Not to be Replaced with Public Lynching

The controversial replacements for the totally ineffective Anti Social Behaviour Order will be announced shortly.

When interviewed for this blog, some grumpy old bloke in Yate shopping precinct said: “They should include the stocks for riding a bike on the pavement and public lynching for more heinous crimes such as littering and swearing at pensioners.”

The trigger for police to investigate alleged offences will be five complaints, which means Jonathan Ross had better watch out.

BNP members up and down the country are reported to be forming into cells of five, ready to complain about the smell of curry from next door. However, given one in five people is Chinese, this prospect is causing them some concern as cell members accuse each other of being a 5th Columnist Chinese.

Scientist Shows Off Invisible Child

The world’s first invisible child, thought to be around 3 years of age, was spotted in Bath by our science correspondent on Sunday afternoon. The child is believed to be part of a secret spying program on the part of the Chinese government.

Ralph McTell Found Guilty of Abusing the Word ‘Easy’

OK, an old one, but worth including as, a) Garry Moore features and b) it’s bloody funny (which is highly unusual for anything emanating from Roland Rivron).

1 comment:

  1. Why haven't we heard from Prof Albert Hall recently? (I would say if I hadn't cancelled my subscription)