Sunday, 27 February 2011

Sunday Supplement Horoscope

Our special correspondent, Gurt Lush, has returned for today’s one-off Sunday supplement and provides our readers with a 'personalised' horoscope.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Don’t view your impending redundancy as a problem; see it more as an opportunity to tell your boss exactly what you think of him - before he tells you you’re redundant.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week will bring good fortune – but only if you get that blackmail letter posted as soon as you can.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Not everyone will appreciate your psychotic humour this week, so rein it in and put the knives back in the cutlery drawer.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You need a boost. Go out and buy yourself a new outfit – but use someone else’s credit card.

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY)
Remember that little stalking incident? Well it’s going to come back and haunt you this week. It transpires she is a lady Chief Constable.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you seem to have a way with the written word; dyslexia does have this effect.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Love could be waiting for you this week in a dimly lit motorway service station toilet or country car park. Learn to embrace your bisexuality.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Don’t let your paranoia get to you, as I’ll be looking over your shoulder all this week and keeping my eye on you.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
The discovery that your mother and father are brother and sister will come as a bit of a shock this week.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your talents are not being appreciated – up your game and get yourself a job stuffing envelopes.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Scorpios are well known for their intuitive insight – but not you, apparently.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You seem to be able to make others laugh. Perhaps a bit of facial reconstruction would help – or an exorcism.


  1. We Aries don't believe in horoscopes.

  2. Thoroughly agree with my Sagatarious one. Will contact Harley Street now! Don't think I can face The Excorsist at the moment!

  3. I tried upping my game to envelope stuffing status but found that I lacked the concentration so I went back to listening to customer's complaints. maybe I was born at the wrong time of the year or maybe my parents made a mistake with my birthday.